Open Diary - Chico&Becky

&& all will say.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 0:00:01 GMT

I felt the need to do something great today. This is what I came up with and I think it will help. For some reason, when I try to pray it doesn't come out the way that I want it to. And for someone so worthy I don't want my prayers and supplication to come out or come across as false. But I could debate if that should be a concern forever. Here Goes: Clearly words can never appropriately express the gratitude and love I feel for you. The magnitude of who you are could bring me to tears. It simply amazes me how someone visually unseen, physically unspoken, could move, make ways, and do so many incredible things. You are all the things I am lacking, seeking and need. You've made ways in my life when I could see no other way. Some of the trials I have faced in my life would be worthy of a white flag, a throwing in of the towel, and in most extreme cases a loss of life. But you Lord, are truly my strength. You have brought me out, through, over, and under...time and time again. There have been plenty of times in my life where I felt like I was dying the situation was so bleak, and nothing and no one could provide me any solace. But you came Lord. You came and your mere presence made everything okay. What's more amazing to me is you continue to move and make ways for me when I'm not considering you. You give and care for me unconditionally without question. I know I can be incredibly ungrateful, selfish and a host of imperfections, but you never stop & never complain. I owe you everything Lord and more praise than I could ever muster, yet you are grateful for any praise that you receive. I am definitely in awe of your magnitude and the power of whom you are. I am so moved by the ways you move in the lives of others. I've seen you change lives, negative dispositions, and bring light to darkness. You are capable just by mere presence to comfort us in ways that not even our closest loved ones can. You've restored faith in my life, love and you. I trust you Lord and your will for my life. You are the only person that will never hurt me, always be there for me, give unconditionally to me and allow me to be who I really am and feel the way I really feel. I appreciate you Lord for you never judge. Even when I am guilty of things un befitting to you Lord, y ou embrace me still as your child, still deserving of your love. You are all the things that no one else could ever be. To me or this world. I am so grateful to have found you and to be able to hear you when you speak to me Lord. To feel convicted by your word and all the while find peace in it. I can't even imagine how I could have lived without knowing you personally for so long. The sacrifice you made for me to have salvation is indescribable and unselfish. That was the ultimate sacrifice and no matter how real or honest a love may be here on Earth, there is no love more honest than yours. And before thus life is over your sacrifice and love will be recognised by all. I love you and anyone seeking my heart should seek you first to get to me. You are the only man I love and if its your will for it to be that way, I'll be just fine with that. Love always, Ashley

Good Love

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 0:00:01 GMT

So I need a definition, a description, or a real-life scenario that clearly explains what the difference between expectations & wants are. As far as relationships are concerned I simply just don't get it. People have always told me my expectations are too high and it's possible that I want too much. While others say, your expectations can never be too high and you should hold out for what you want. That's the thing. I want what I expect, and I expect what I want. So where does that leave me? I always tell myself that I'm not hard to please and that I want the simple things, and I believe that. && as I review all the things that I absolutely do not want, or more so the things that disgust me, I realise those are expectations too! In a list of a million things I want narrowed down to a hundred that I really want narrowed down to like 10 deal breakers, it's always been a pick and choose type deal. Like 4 out of 10 isn't bad, but what if it's not my top 4? If it's the 4 I like, but are at the bottom of my list? I do not understand why I can not have 10 out of 10? Or even 8 out of 10!! Lmao. Maybe I should operate off of deal breakers alone. That's how I carry my friendships. Everything in between those set things is negotiable. But when you have a negotiable period with a guy, that's when things get all clusterfucked and you convince yourself for whatever reason that this behavior is acceptable because it is ~~not~~ a deal breaker. This is how I've tricked myself. Anyone that knows anything about my dating history knows that I want a relationship and have all these wonderful future plans for one, but when it comes down to it; could really give a shit. Everyone says I'm mean to him and the list goes on. More often than not, said fellow says he feels a certain way about me. I am mega sceptical, don't believe it and am turned off by it. Everyone says, OMG!! Yadda yadda... Then I say to myself, Ashley..whom are you to say or dictate how someone feels about you? And THEN!!!, the story begins. Then I fall prey to what could be, what might be, let my guard down and all of a sudden I feel some type of way. We proceed to have a lacklustre un fulfilling relationship because he is about 3 of the things I want and not even the most important ones. Until finally, we hate each other and it is revealed the he never felt the way he said he did, or my favorite; did at one time. Really? I'm 21 years old..I'm not even fuckin old enough to be falling in and out of love!! I can't even get to the real deal, and you think you've fallen out of it? LMMFAO! I've settled on the idea that I won't find the relationship that is made for me until I'm much older. The prospect of that looks better to me than the alternative. I'd rather have faith that what I really want is coming to me than live in the moment of another unsuccessful tragedy of a relationship. I believe that love will find me once I've gained more life experience. Done things, seen things, lost loved ones etc. By then, I'm sure my expectations, needs, and wants will have changed. Not to say my previous ones were outlandish, but they will fit the older, more mature, experienced me. Though I want all the things I envision now because it just seems natural that way, I just cannot settle. That alone brings about heartache in its self. The way I see it, I'm. Doomed before we get anywhere if I know off buck you will never be what I want. I'm fully aware that I can't make anyone be what I want and if I could, the fact that I could would just turn me off. Lol. My faith that someone is out there that knows exactly what my heart needs has already been tested in that of a certain someone on my back burner for almost a year now. Nothing will ever come of it, but I learned a lot building up to what could have been. Because of him, I am certain it's out there, and that it in fact can and has found me. Meanwhile, I like having someone on my back burner. Usually, we never remain friends and I like this. But while I'm at it, here's a disgustingly long list of things that disgust me and turn me off. And when I say turn me off, I mean it makes me want to remove my vagina and throw it somewhere because it shall never be aroused again. LMAO! Disgusted like that, like to hear it? Here it goes: A). Men with big hips. It looks feminine and they waddle and switch and it's just gross! B). Men that have insecure tendencies like a female about insignificant, unfounded illogical things. C). A Man that is overly pressed far too soon. D). A man that stalks, calls, texts, way too much. E). A sexually aggressive man. Including but not limited too, sexual peer pressure, coersion,and incessant begging. F). A man that talks about the sexual things he'd like to do to a woman. (It just makes me feel like he's just bitched out to his lowest form. Eww!!) G). A man that plays multiple woman to feed his ego. (Which says to me he fears commitment and being hurt. Loser) H). A man ruled by societies view of whom he should be. Including but not limited to his friends, family, neighborhood, gang etc. I). Oh yeah, a guy in a "gang". Wtf ever. Next. J). A guy that can use a woman for the things that she has, live off of her and mooch off of her. Including but not limited to him doing all this while he can afford not to, and leaving and not caring about the consequences. K). A man that does not take care of his responsibilities. Including but not limited to working, paying bills, taking care of family obligations, and being responsible for his actions. L). A man that has no ambition, no drive, goals, or ideas for the future. M). A man that lives for the day and has no idea what to expect for tomorrow. N). No jesus. A deal breaker. Know what you know about him, enact with him how you will, but any kind of atheism, paganism, and all that other crap. Negative. O). A man that can not think for himself. That's it for now, if I thought about it I'm sure I could go on. && I'm out. Straight like that.

S.O.S - Save Our Service.

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 0:00:01 GMT
Work was yet again; a joke. It wasn't even that busy, we just took an early pop from 6:30-7:30 8o'clockish. Meredith(the Executive Chef/Kitchen Manager) worked Entrees and she went down in fuckin flames! It was hilarious to watch, and yet so sad. Aside from being the chef, she's also an alcoholic, semi-bi-polar, tweeker I must say. Out of the 6 days that she works, she spazzes out about 3-4 of them. And tonight was no exception. Harry (guy that should be chef and/or Sous chef) just looked on. He usually rocks entrees and does all of the work. Either way, I'm glad to be off tomorrow. The less I work with mer, the better. She really fucks up the night with her tantrums and bi-polar fits. My check engine light came on again on the way home. I'm pissed but don't care. It was just on around christmas, then I got gas and it was gone. Plus its had 6g's worth of work done. If it dies, idk what I'll do, but right now I don't care. Whatever. I'm out!

Longer, Harder, crisis 2

Tue, 6 Jan 2009 0:00:01 GMT
I think I've discovered what my New Year's resolution will be. I've recently watched several heart warming shows about family and friends that have a true bond and love for one another. That's when I decided, I want to love the people that love me harder, better, longer, stronger and more truthfully than I ever have before. No I'm not old, but I'm not getting any younger and making friends doesn't come naturally when there's no fostering enviornment. Anywho. I just stole this nugget of an entry off of my blackberry and decided to add to it. For whatever reason, it's so hard for me to keep up with this diary even though nine years ago when I got this diary, I was uh-dick-ted. Seriously. I just have so much to say these days and can't get it out. And my entries and blogs are always so fuckin long. Do I bore you dear? I'm sure I do. I enjoy writing blogs on myspace but it's so impersonal. I can literally write something and have it be looked at 17 times by the time I write it and save it and yet, I never know who's looking. Whatever. Aside from that I am in the middle of life crisis part 2. I feel so helpless and irritated. It just feels like I'm sitting on a mound of fucking potential and nothing to throw it on. When I put my mind to whatever, I am a fucking beast. I have this disgusting desire to be the fucking best. But its not about being better than you, it's about being better than me. I can feel it. Like I can physically manifest it into an incredible hulk episode. And I've been talking to this guy that lives in New York. God knows why when I live here, duh in Virginia. Initially we clicked and talked and all that great stuff. But when the sexual shit came a long it took a turn for the worst. Let me just interject about how I will probably never have any other sexual experiences in my life and def not a healthy one. And truth be told I really really do and Don't just want so AWESOME FUCKING DICK! God!!!! Either way, when things get sexual or inuendo-ed-ish-ly, I get turned off. I'll always be about foundation and the other important shit before the sex. But whatever. Now the point, so I was interested in this sexual conversation and the picture sending and the like. Ironically, my pictures turn me on more than his. LmAO! It's nice to have people or a person want you. Duh! What a general effing statement. But now I realize I was right all along because I feel like the foundation isn't there. If I say I'm upset or going through these things and you ask what. I reply and give small alluding details, you don't fucking say "oh ok." That did it for me right there. I'm done. He doesn't know it. I don't care, we're so far apart it doesn't even matter. I had a weird love affair here that ended ironically because he can't handle my intuitiveness and how touch I am with my emotions. I will explain that in another entry. I will say now that I don't feel the same about him anymore and I wish I did because he really speaks to the things that my heart really needs. I feel like he's the only one that knows and understands. However, he does have a few character flaws that I could do without and at the same time, he's just like me. Nothing will ever come of it but inside I think my future husband just passed me by but is still in my presence. It doesn't make sense. On top of all these things, I have the same regular drama that everyone else. Bills, bills, bills, the economy and a lack of hours. But that's for another entry when I feel like writing. Bare with me. - Ash.

Ran-Dumb

Sat, 8 Nov 2008 0:00:01 GMT

Ran-Dumb

I wish I could move away again and come back..5 years from now.

I wish I could trade just about everyone in for someone else. Someone new. Perhaps, I could just get a better grade of the same people I already have?

I'm exhausted with certain people and certain situations at this time. Which I don't have to be. And when I decided that I won't. Then I won't. And what will be will be. Everyone claims they cut people off.

I can count 10+ people I've cut off. Some I wish I didn't have to. I don't think Ive ever cut anyone that I cared about. Really. if I did, then I should be able to get over or practice forgiveness..But that's a completely different issue with the same story.

I'm just so irritated. how come when you move up, move on, grow up, get with the fuckin program, everything and most of everyone around you stays the same. I can honestly, say that the only other person moving and not being stuck in this shit hole life of Norfolk..is the only person that's not here with me. Thank God for VCU i guess huh. LMAO.

i need to focus again. So I can get the fuck up outta here. This time will be different, I'll have my ace with me. And I can not wait. This time Next year, I will be doing something awesome, somewhere else and loving every minute of it. Tired of waiting for everyone else to graduate.. damn!

My blog was viewed 5 times today. Thank you viewer :)

Sometimes I wish I could trade places and be someone else for just like a week. I think that would be fuckin awesome. Except, I'd keep my blackberry regardless!! <3 IT!

I have more to write. But later, I'm going out.

I'll hollerrrrr..and I'm keeping my secrets to myself. I dont care what anybody says, or thinks they want to know. I've got some dirt and you could never handle it. EVER. in your wildest dreams :)