Open Diary - GloryUprising

Open Diary - GloryUprising http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=C102211 Reflections of Grace [seve.ntythree] http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C102211&entry=20058 <style type="text/css"> body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:red;scrollbar-highlight-color:black;scrollbar-3dlight-color:black;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:black;scrollbar-track-color:red;scrollbar-arrow-color:red;}</style>   I’m sorry Lord, because I’ve lost you as of late.  I was looking in that notebook where I kept everything about Your love written down in incomplete words, because the Spirit always could complete my thoughts more completely then any effort of Goliath against David.  And in all this hussle and bussle of my life, I remember, only at the edge of my spirit, how amazing is Your love and I found myself missing You for once in almost one hundred days. <o:p> </o:p> I am so thankful for this joy You have given me and for the generosity that You show in allowing me to live in it without retribution for the pride I find myself having because of this joy that can only come from Your guidance.  You’re mercy is indeed wonderful despite my unworthiness. <o:p> </o:p> I wanted to thank You for all these things You’ve given me in the last few months, but to list them all would be like counting all the stars in the sky.  And every moment broken in to minuets and seconds is more precious to me then all the stars in the sky. <o:p> </o:p> I was walking by the shore the other night, looking out in the dark of the ocean—into the vast unknown.  And in that moment the sound of darkness and crashing waves of indefinite days seemed as unintimidating to me as my father’s voice and mother’s touch because I know you will always be there to guide me in all that I do.   ---    And every moment broken in to minuets and seconds is more precious to me then all the stars in the sky. [2007.Apr.30]<style type="text/css"> input{background:black;border:3 red inset;color:red;font-family:courier new;font-size:15}</style> Mon, 30 Apr 2007 0:00:01 GMT [s.eventytwo] http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C102211&entry=20057 <style type="text/css"> body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:red;scrollbar-highlight-color:black;scrollbar-3dlight-color:black;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:black;scrollbar-track-color:red;scrollbar-arrow-color:red;}</style> Sometimes, I just want things to go away because my own devils will haunt me until my last breath.  There are so many things I wish I could take back; misplaced ‘I love you’s followed by hurtful words always remind me of how tenuous certainty can be.  And in my mind, yesterday echoes as loudly as it did a year ago.  And in one misspoken word, I am thrown back into all the things that never did matter before and still probably should not matter now.  Yet they break me today like it did before. <o:p> </o:p> It would seem I am always my own worse critic; my self condemnation is where I lose what little grace I gained.  And I think of His love and my life lived unworthy and I begin to understand how much I need Him. <o:p> </o:p> I always cherish these things about you and me and them in the moment that they happen, but in retrospect my own fallacy sears thru like a scarlet brand on my heart to remind me of how imperfect it all was: And juxtaposed with Him, it all seems the more wrong.  But the words of another man, much wiser then I, reminds me that God is good and the comparison in my mind is not condemnation from my Savior but from his polar opposite. <o:p> </o:p> So I remove, from my life, everything that reminds me of these things and those things and try to live with you in the present for the future—there’s peace to be found in our future. [2007.Apr.12]<style type="text/css"> input{background:black;border:3 red inset;color:red;font-family:courier new;font-size:15}</style> Thu, 12 Apr 2007 0:00:01 GMT [sev.entyone] http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C102211&entry=20056 <style type="text/css"> </style> She asked me today if I loved her more then You, to which I responded that I loved you both equally as much; to which she proceeded to tell me that I should love You more then anything in this world.  Much to my dismay I found in my spirit that this was not the way I felt, but could not adequately explain to her that I try to keep my love as complete as possible and that my love for You does not come in degrees.  I loved You in the good days You bless me with and I love You in the bad days where you humble me.  I could never quantify my love for You and in such a way I could never qualify the love You bless me with in her.  The comparison is rendered impossible because any love I feel comes from You and You love me completely in my goodness and in my wickedness without justification or quantification. <o:p> </o:p> I suppose in the end, it’s not about how much I love You or how much I love her, but rather the fact that I am able to love because You first loved me.  I suppose the more appropriate answer would have been that I love you both equally but with different qualities. [2007.Jan.29]<style type="text/css">body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:red;scrollbar-highlight-color:black;scrollbar-3dlight-color:black;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:black;scrollbar-track-color:red;scrollbar-arrow-color:red;}</style> <style type="text/css">input{background:black;border:3 red inset;color:red;font-family:courier new;font-size:15}</style> Mon, 29 Jan 2007 0:00:01 GMT [se.venty] http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C102211&entry=20055 <style type="text/css"> body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:red;scrollbar-highlight-color:black;scrollbar-3dlight-color:black;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:black;scrollbar-track-color:red;scrollbar-arrow-color:red;}</style>  “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure.  And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectations of salvation.  And this expectation will not disappoint us.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.”  Romans 5:3-5 [NLT] --- <o:p> </o:p> Life is filled with all these expectations; everything we do we expect some result.  Sometimes I wish life was as easy as <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Newton</st1:place></st1:city>’s third law and that every action that we take has an equal reaction.  But upon further mediation I find that if His love was as calculated as <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Newton</st1:place></st1:city>’s third law all humanity would be damned to death.  My human selfishness demands some quick reward for my deeds yet expects instant forgiveness of my sins. <o:p> </o:p> We go thru our lives doing the things that we do expecting some kind of result, and when things don’t turn out the way we would have wanted we raise our fist to God claiming that He is unjust to us and wanting some kind of explanation of His purposes in making us ‘suffer’.  But perhaps the disappointment is a lession in humility and a reminder that the only guarantee that we have in life is His love, and that’s all we ever needed in the first place. [2007.Jan.12]<style type="text/css"> input{background:black;border:3 red inset;color:red;font-family:courier new;font-size:15}</style> Fri, 12 Jan 2007 0:00:01 GMT [sixtyeight.] http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C102211&entry=20053 <style type="text/css"> body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:red;scrollbar-highlight-color:black;scrollbar-3dlight-color:black;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:black;scrollbar-track-color:red;scrollbar-arrow-color:red;}</style> I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue To turn and run when all I needed was the truth But that's how it's got to be It's coming down to nothing more than apathy I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and Let's rearrange I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Just say that we agree and then never change Soften a bit until we all just get along But that's disregard You find another friend and you discard As you lose the argument in a cable car Hanging above as the canyon comes between and And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and its effortless Without a sound we lose sight of the ground In the throw around Never thought that you wanted to bring it down I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves <o:p> </o:p> --- <o:p> </o:p> Diem Natalem, mihi. <o:p> </o:p> Another year passes like they always pass; the twenty third one it would seem. <o:p> </o:p> It’s funny how with every year that passes you’d want to look back and think that you’ve grown a little since you first started this all just to realize that you’re the same as ever.  Perhaps it’s because you see your life in such a minuet time frame, and each small bump is shortly adverted with a small turn of the steering wheel, that when you finally look up at the big picture you see that you’ve been driving in a circle all along.  But somehow that circle got bigger and more things got incorporated and some things turned away from and you’re somewhere entirely different from where you started.  Yet you find yourself back at square one where you’re trying to grow and make something better of your life.  Maybe that’s the point of life; to make something better of yourself. <o:p> </o:p> Live with that intention and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get it right. <o:p> </o:p> I was looking back at all the people I’ve punctuated my life with in some kind of attempt to find some meaning to my existence as if they had the answer to my life.  But I find myself disappointed with empty results, filled only with some measure of shame that I could never adequately describe to you even with all the words that howl in hell at my disposal.  My pathetic attempt to find some kind of connection with someone ended up being a betrayal of my sprit and purpose in life and would earn me a pike at that last place Dante saw. <o:p> </o:p> I feel like I should apologize but I’m faced with the harsh reality that the only person I really cheated out of something amazing was myself.  Forgiving yourself is so difficult.  I could pray to Him until the heavens fell for some kind of peace in my heart, but in the end my turmoil only comes from my inability to forgive myself.  And Pastor David would say that is my sin because He has already forgiven me that moment I first believed! <o:p> </o:p> I was once in a conversation with my roommate about the course of my life and he asked me why I am I choosing to settle for imperfection when the Lord had allotted me a portion of his kingdom if I would just have faith.  Much to my dismay I had no answer for him, because in my selfish mind I thought that I knew better then God and that she was the one.  I let my emotions get twisted by the enemy and he used it to blind me to the imperfection of my logic and in hindsight I remember how frustrated my roommate looked in arguing with me to want something better for myself.  I really need to learn to trust my brothers, I’m sorry. <o:p> </o:p> And it would seem that I am disgusted with my own shame and the enemy uses it to remind me of my fall and uses it to prevent me from wanting to establish lasting and meaningful relationships with other people.  Everything has its place and everything has its own time and everyday I pray for His wisdom to know the difference between it all in my attempt to make sense of the purpose in this life He gave me. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> [2006.Dec.18] --- <o:p> </o:p> “It’s a sad truth, isn’t it? We may know we are forgiven, but the memory of sin is rarely eradicated. Even though God has completely forgotten it, we often punish ourselves with the memory. In short, we refuse to believe our sin has been forgiven and forgotten. Or is it possible that we are trying to remember something God doesn’t know anymore? Isn’t this a form of idolatry, too? To cling to something that God doesn’t have? Thus by remembering, we claim that we are gods and do not believe in the God who forgets. It’s a subtle but powerful temptation. Or sometimes, others remind us to hurt us. There is a legend that whenever the apostle Peter preached, someone in the back always made the sound of a rooster crowing to remind him of his denial of Christ. The apostle Paul remembered too at the end of his life how he had persecuted Jesus’ followers earlier in his life. Perhaps in some ways, Jean Valjean was trying to make up for his past, to pay back the grace shown him by the bishop. It is so hard to believe the good news. We need to hear it over and over again. Brothers and sisters, in Jesus Christ, you are forgiven! Believe the Good News!”<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> <a href="http://www.ppcec.org/modules.php?name=Meanderings&file=display&jid=43">Pastor David.<o:p></o:p></a> <o:p> </o:p> <style type="text/css"> input{background:black;border:3 red inset;color:red;font-family:courier new;font-size:15}</style> Mon, 18 Dec 2006 0:00:01 GMT