Open Diary - clumsykitten

Open Diary - clumsykitten http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D153952 Life's waiting to begin crying http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11934 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11934 This is the worst week of my life. I just want it all to be over with. I just want this to be easy like getting over Jason was. That took me 3 whole days. I'm finishing up day 6 here and it feels like an eternity. I cried at work today. I just want a hug. Someone to hold me while I cry for a while. I keep blowing up people's phones with calls and texts to whoever will listen or respond. And while I'm greatful for all the distraction, advice, and help everyone's given me, it doesn't come close to being held while I just cry and let it all out. Half of the time I miss him. I miss his pet names for me, his kisses and hugs, riding around holding hands in the car, sweet romantic gestures, his Greek culture and food. Half of the time I think about what improvements he needs. He didn't shower everyday, he would sleep till 2pm, he wouldn't go walking, biking, swimming, or skiing with me. I want him back, and I want a new better boyfriend. I can't decide and I can't stop thinking. Day 1 was the hardest. Days 2, 3, and 4 I&nbsp;was ok cause we were talking and I thought that meant improvement. Day 5 and today have been horrible because he's not talked to me and I can't stop thinking about a multitude of possibilities. I'm just going to go cry now. Sat, 12 Feb 2011 00:00:00 GMT lost http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11933 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11933 I don't know what to do with myself. One minute I'm fine: Watching TV, working, talking on the phone with mom. The next minute I'm not: I want to text him, call him, drive over to his house and talk to him. We parted on weird terms. We broke up in his driveway but were still figuring out the logistics. His aunt came over, his dad came home, and rather than finish everything crying in the driveway while his family was right there, I went home. Fact: He doesn't want to never hear from me again. Fact: I have a lot of things I need to work on with a counselor. Fact: At the time, neither one of us really wanted to break up. I don't know if he still wants me now, I don't know if he really just wants to be friends. I don't know if, down the line after some counseling on my anger and impatience, he will want me again. I don't know if I should date, I don't know if he will date. I don't know how he feels about this. I don't know how to be his friend. I don't know how or if I can win him over again. I know it seems like a dick move for breaking up with me on my birthday. But I'm impatient, and mean when I get angry. We have been fighting at least every other day for the past two months. We have almost broken up 3 times before this. I am the jerk that pushes him around, and I just happened to do it again on my birthday when he decided it was the last straw. I want him and I want to be happy again. I just can't figure out how. And I'm pretty dehydrated from crying so much and not eating anything for 3 days now... Tue, 8 Feb 2011 00:00:00 GMT the end http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11932 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11932 I should have written earlier. When everything was fresh and my emotions were flying. I&nbsp;am single again. I&nbsp;am alone. I lost the one I love, the one I&nbsp;wanted to marry. I got dumped. I turned 25 and my boyfriend broke up with me. The first thing I did when I got home was to change my Facebook status to &quot;single&quot; because I didn't know what else to do. I sat there for hours refreshing, refreshing, refreshing... Was he going to post something? Was he going to come on and talk to me? I did the same thing with my phone, unlocking the touch screen every 3 minutes to see if I'd missed a call or text. Why? Why me? Why him? Why us? Why on my birthday? The second thing I did was call my mom. She distracted me for half an hour talking to me about the house we're trying to rent. I should have let her keep me on the line for hours but then I couldn't check to see if he sent me any texts. He didn't. The third thing I did was pace my apartment for an hour. I grabbed things he gave me, things that reminded me of him, and stuck them in a plastic bin. Then I&nbsp;cried. And cried, cried, cried. I tried talking to my mom, two sisters, my boss/friend, a mutual friend, a high school friend, a friend in Norway, and a guy I went on one date with 6 years ago. Plus I texted two more friends that never responded. And yet I continued to cry. I ate 4 Dunkin Donuts Munchkins at noon yesterday. I ate one Subway cookie at about 1 today. That is it. I can't eat. I can't think about food. My heart has been nervously pounding for 24 hours now. I just want to eat and sleep. And pretend yesterday, Sunday February 6th, never, ever, happened. Mon, 7 Feb 2011 00:00:00 GMT 25 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11931 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11931 My 25th birthday was absolutely the worst day of my life so far. It's time for me to start writing again. I make my return tonight. Mon, 7 Feb 2011 00:00:00 GMT vegas baby http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11930 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D153952&entry=11930 A typical day for me includes waking up to go to work, hanging out with Dimitri, and then going home to sleep. But today he is leaving for the weekend with his best friend to go to Las Vegas. It's not the Las Vegas part that has me upset - It's the part where he's doing something new and fun and I can't be there to do it with him. So while he's out gambling, my schedule looks like this now: Wake up and go to work, go meet a friend for dinner and a movie, go home to sleep. Friday, Saturday. Sunday, and Monday - though Monday it might be &quot;go to my mom's to pick up some dresses&quot;. And I guess that doesn't sound too bad but I really just offered to work all weekend and meet up with all these people to keep myself busy and help the time go by. We are &quot;that couple&quot; who sees each other 19 days out of 20. We fall asleep on the phone every night to the sound of each other breathing. Our jobs are such that we text all day while we are not together. So to go from that to (what I imagine will be) maybe one or two half hour long calls for the next four days will be rough. Fri, 3 Sep 2010 00:00:00 GMT