Open Diary - blueraindrop

Open Diary - blueraindrop http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D433907 Stories of passing chaos More than Director http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D433907&entry=20368 God and I sometimes have our spells. During the major of my pouty rebellions, I found myself wondering about theater. To my credit, I was a theater minor in college when this started, if that makes this any less weird to wonder about in a religious crisis. I began to wonder about protagonists (good guys) and antagonists (the bad guys). And I began to wonder about heaven and hell. The actors playing the bad guys serve just of much of a role in a story as the actors playing the bad guys do. They may at times serve only to show how good the good guys are when you compare the two, but the story would still be much the worse if they were not present. So what about the real life antagonists? Don't they serve their role just as much as the good guys, by allowing the good guys to form their character and show their good nature by how they battle the bad guy? Didn't they fill their parts too? But to back up a bit, most of the whole rebellion formed over resentment over issues with myself. Some new major medical issues, arriving to the scene of a body and personality that I was already doubting God's wisdom in choosing, made for a bad situation. Relating back to theater again, if God's the director, why in the world am I dressed up in this dorky costume of a body, playing this geeky role, in this stupid plot? Why can't I trade roles, or maybe even entire shows? Why am I the doof here? Can I get some help with a costume change to skinny at least? And when I get real honest with myself, I admit that I felt like a random supporting character in some random show, tossed in for comedy's sake maybe, or maybe just to let their character traits shine all the more in comparison to my being a loser. These issues are answered together. First, by a true realization that YOU are the protagonist. Whether it seems like it or not, you are the good guy here, even if it doesn't look that way by the scene you are in right now. This is your show. Yes, you star in the shows of other actors as well, and as a supporting character, and if you keep watching their movie hoping you will suddenly become the star it's just not going to happen. But this is your show, your time, and you are the focus of your show. Play to your own script, not to being the small roles in someone else's, and you will be exactly who you need to be to be that star of your show. (If you look like Jar-jar Binks, you are watching the monitors for someone else's show. Trust me, you look much better when you watch your own.) Because second, this script is written for you. You know how sometimes you can just tell that an entire movie was written with an actor in mind to fit just right with how they act? That's the case here. But beyond that, the director has everything selected just for you. He's more than just director; he runs every aspect of the show. Your body was chosen exactly how the director wanted the costume, right down to every hair. Your surroundings and interactions were set as exactly the set and the scene that you needed. Your bad guys and plot twists were exactly what you need them to be to be who you need to be. Do you have bad guys and scary things to go through to build your character and show your true colors? Of course. And yes, those scenes suck at the time. But even the sickeningly over-emotional Lifetime dramas have these. You are destined to be much more than just a weak sappy character in a story with a weak plot that never lets them grow and show their virtues developed along the way. This means your story has more of these things to work through. And third, by the realization that this story ends well. Whether its a happy ending or a tragic loss, you will be the hero of the story in the end. Yes, I know, this one is a reach to believe sometimes, but the director has chosen this to be the case. Remember, you are the protagonist here, even if it feels like its a horror flick. HOWEVER, you need to remember that you are just an actor looking at the current scene, and the past scenes. Why? Because even though the director wrote this life for you, you're the one on stage. You are perfectly free to choose to ignore the director, change the script in the way that you feel works better, and do what you want. Will the results be positive? Not likely. But it's your choice to make. I do this frequently! Fortunately, the director of this show is dedicated to it. If I choose to listen to the earpiece hidden in my ear, he will help me back out of my messes. Or sometimes he doesn't say much to me because he's fixing it by leading the other actors into something. Or changing something else offstage. Sometimes the current scene stays a bit messy until it works out, but he has not abandoned me in spite of my being a total idiot of a prima dona repeatedly. He will make it work out for my benefit in the end. Which returns to the first issue. Because the ones who never are able to trust their director and admit they are making a fool of their attempts to "fix" their own show are the bad actors. Bad characters and bad actors are very different. Bad characters have hope, as every antagonist in your show is a protagonist in his own, with his own motivations, plot, and background, and hopefully his own character growth that will develop more virtues in him so that he's less of a pain in your plot. But bad actors ruin shows. Self-centered people are a dime a dozen in this day and age. They have the about me part town, however, most of them forget that they are the protagonist. Ignoring the script given and skipping the difficult scenes doesn't make for much of a plot, and a show with a weak plot almost always has a hard time letting its characters develop and grow into someone the audience cares about. Those grow during the difficult times, not when you sit around focusing on being the guest star in someone else's show because its in a happier scene right now. But why? Why would this be about me? Why am I supposed to grow and turn out to be a hero? Why would a director have written things just right for me if he knew I'm not a great actor and that I'm going to frequently ignore him and improvise? That makes no sense! Only one answer. Because he loves you, but beyond that, he likes you. Ever seen your favorite actor in a bad film? Did it change your favor towards them? You have his favor. Trust in it. Mon, 6 Aug 2007 0:00:01 GMT Los the name, keep the liquor http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D433907&entry=20367 I picked up some ice cream today. One of the expensive brands. They had the flavor listed as "pineapple coconut". not the obvious pina colado most people would think of when combining those flavors. The last ingredient on the list? Rum. Yes I'm sure its only a tiny amount... but still amused me on their naming. I assume they figure people who aren't fans of drinking will more likily buy it without the drink related name? Sat, 30 Jun 2007 0:00:01 GMT Teenage stalking. http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D433907&entry=20366 I've mentioned before the importance radio dj's had to me during my teen years. To be specific, there was one in particular who always put up with me calling constantly. He was a college student at the time, working the evening shift at one station, then when it closed, the overnights on another. His brother, 2 years older than him, was one of the most popular deejays in town on the top 40 station, and knew the station managers so had gotten him the job, even though he really wanted to work in tv. and eventually he did work as a reporter for one of the local stations. what has happened to him now? i have no idea. A billion random conversations with him.... and going to quite a few live broadcasts he did. at one point, i called him on the fact that he wasnt listed in the student directory for the college he claimed to attend. and, to prove himself, he gave me his real last name.... even knowing that i had the directory in hand and could get his address and phone number from there. then when i was 16, we moved from suburb to the main town. and one bored summer afternoon, a friend and i rode our bikes about 3 miles and showed up at his door. he lived with his brother at the time, but the brother was not home. he let us in! why he did, i have no idea. but he did. we basically jsut talked to him for a while then left... and he never really mentioned it afterwards, not even to tell us not to do it again. (and neither of us were cute... lol!) after he left the second station, i only had contact with him once more... when i graduated high school i sent an invitation to him at the tv station, and he sent a letter back saying something to the effect of "wow time passes fast, look out world!" it only strikes me now to realize the house incident probably pushed over the official "stalker" line. which only comes to mine now because there is this job i could really do. and would really like. with a group of 5 radio stations. but then i look down to the contact info, and his brother is the director this person would be working with, and the person to contact. *winces* if only i didnt have an unusual last name! lol! Thu, 21 Jun 2007 0:00:01 GMT Trying not to whine. http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D433907&entry=20364 I think I've put a finger on why I don't update much lately. Right now, most of what I feel like venting about it crummy stuff... until it feels like all that I'm doing is whining here. Granted, it's my diary, and my life that's got a rough spot right now... but still.... I don't like to just have all the crummy piling up around here. And I'm sure everyone else likes reading lots of crummy reports even less than I like having the pile of them. Not sure how much sense that makes.... but anyway, I think that's a lot of why. Wed, 6 Jun 2007 0:00:01 GMT Corners and edges http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D433907&entry=20363 6 weeks till this trip. The whole guilt thing on actually spending some money and time on myself is still nagging at me a bit... but the way things have been around here, i think sometimes thats the one thing giving me something good to look towards. Most of the pieces are finally starting to come into their places. A long time after they did for almost all the other people I know who are going, but still there finally. Got Boo's airfare to Florida yesterday. Exactly 6 weeks before flying out. I ended up using one of the discount airlines instead of my prefered one thats usually the same price as the cheap ones.... because the discounted one had a sale on just until yesterday... when was when the check arrived that let me be able to do it. So it actually ended up quite a bit cheaper than I was fearing. Which then let me do firm hotel reservations and such. One bad thing of the cheaper flight is where mine returns at 5pm, hers now doesn't come in untill the next morning... so it means spending an extra night in hotel near the airport (about 2 1/2 hours from here). Even with extra hotel though still significantly cheaper than other option. I think that its jsut now starting to be real to me that im really going. that i've really got 9 days with no kid in sight. that i'm actually going somewhere on a real vacation. I wish the next 6 weeks were already over.... but then, my checkbook doesn't. :-) Sat, 2 Jun 2007 0:00:01 GMT