http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D612413 The Chronicles of Me http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10099 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10099 <p>I don't know if I should cry or not.  I haven't cried much yet.  Maybe for a half hour one night.  He cheated on me and is spreading lies all over town.  I don't even want to get into it anymore.  I need things to be OK again.</p> <p>Today I realized what I miss was helping him get his life in order.  Was seeing him progress.  Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to see much of that before he cheated on me and I threw him out.  I guess life is what it is.  I am suing him because I need the money back that he took from me.  But I also realized I want to see him again.  I don't want to date him, I just want to fix him.  And I want a public apology for the public humiliation he has caused me.</p> Nov, 2 201 2011 00:00:00 GMT http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10098 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10098 <p>i only seem to write here when life blows.  or when I need a confessional.  i have been dating the same man for 2 years.  this week i found out he has been cheating on me with various women since june.  He has been telling people that i am his psychotic ex girlfriend who wont leave him alone.  i dont know how he explains the fact that he still lived with me until last monday when he tried to kill himself.  thats right....i threw him out for cheating on me, and instead of going to stay with his sister like he usually does, he tried to kill himself.  and he is still telling people that i am the psychotic one.  </p> <p>i think he did it for a number of reasons.  one, he feels guilty.  he refuses to resolve the problem, but he feels guilty on some level.  two, he wants me to feel guilty.  he wants me to let him live here and take care of him until he is financially and emotionally ready to completely leave.  three, he is having financial difficulty.  his last major suicide attempt was for the same reason.  </p> <p>of course, i am sure his family thinks i caused all this somehow.  as soon as i found out that someone (maybe him) had called his parents, i knew things were over for good.  he tried to kill himself.  i called the ambulance.  for some reason, that is a complete no-no and a sign that i am abusive, controlling, and no good for him.  i dont want him back.  he caused me insane amounts of stress.  doesn't mean that somewhere inside i dont want an explanation and an apology for all the rumours and lies he has been spreading.</p> <p>he owes me over $1,500.  i don't know where he is.  i am afraid that if he drops out of school or quits his job I will have no way of finding him.  that means i need to file court documents asap.  I am trying to meet their requirements, while fighting with insurance and utility companies, trying to make sure that none of my services get cut off.  He doesn't respond to any form of communication from me.  i cant help but be afraid that i have been screwed more than i think i have been.  that the worst is yet to come.</p> Oct, 31 201 2011 00:00:00 GMT http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10097 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10097 <p>I am feeling the need to escape again these days.  Like there has to be something else out there for me....somewhere.  Too bad I have real life to deal with - jobs and debt keeping me down.  Maybe I'm just lonely.  Honestly, I'm perfectly content with one person in my life.  I don't need/want a lot of friends....just one true one.....maybe I just don't feel like I really have that.  I feel trapped with no where to go. I'm living in a fantasy world again because real life stinks.  I am so pathetic.</p> Aug, 1 201 2011 00:00:00 GMT http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10096 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10096 <p>i almost feel ashamed writing here.  this is where i store all my failings.  even the colour scheme makes me feel shame.  i guess i should change it soon.</p> <p>asshole the boyfriend has been holed up in his room for 2 days.  after constantly telling me i know nothing about professionalism, he got fired for doing exactly what i told him not to do.  he has more or less refused to search for work himself since then.  a few times i have caught him lying about applying for jobs.  he claims he emailed resumes.  when i ask where the email address came from, since the job posting specifically states no emails will be accepted, he cant answer. he spent most of his time with his buddies or his computer games until 2 nights ago.  thats when i berated him in front of his friends and threw them all - including him, out of the house for the night.  since then he has been hiding out in his bedroom.</p> <p>he dumped me and told me he was moving the night before he lost his job.  when he was fired, i told him he could stay as long as he looked for work everyday and took care of the house.  this is what i did when i was out of work and he was financially supporting me.  but since he cant follow through, he will need to leave and i will need to take every crap job and room mate i can to make ends meet.  i wont lie, i really have only been keeping him around because he pays his share of the rent and bills.  the thing that i fear most is not being able to keep a roof over my head.  and in all sincerity, thats usually what men are for in my life - supplementing my income while i try to convince myself i feel some degree of real affection for them.</p> <p>i cant feel anything but contempt for this man.  he is a child who thinks he is superman.  he believes no matter what he does, everything will work out in his favour.  he changes his mind, attitude, and opinions at the drop of a hat.  he thinks he is far more competent and independent than he is.  its like watching a fish's miserable attempt to ride a bicycle, while it tells you it won the tour de france.  he doesnt have an intelligent, practical, logical-consequence oriented bone in his body.  All he cares about is himself, and he doesnt mind lying to himself or anyone else if it makes him feel better.</p> <p>things at work arent well either.  i havent even met our new manager, but already she is destroying the best things about this company.  She has ordered new monitoring equipment to watch our every move.  she has moved everything around.  none of us can find a thing when we need to.  We all used to share the managers desk, as things we need access to in order to do our jobs (petty cash, etc) were stored there.  She has placed them in a locked box on the floor now, which makes no sense.  I can already sense the relaxed, supportive atmosphere i went there for disappearing.  soon the stress will put me back in the hospital, my room mates will rob me, and i will end up living with my parents again, a broke miserable failure who will never here the end of how stupid i must be to get a degree and not be able to find work/support myself/stay healthy/etc/etc.</p> <p>now seems like the perfect time for a suicide.  for purely practical reasons. too bad i'm too stupid to go through with it.  i wouldnt even know how.</p> <p>Everyone hates me.  asshole has spread all kinds of rumours about me, some partially true, some not at all.  whenever he wants forgiveness he wants me to fix what he's done.  too bad it isnt possible, much less my job to correct his failings. Why can't he fix his own damned problems like everyone else?  he needs to learn to think, and to think before he acts.  his type of stupidity is a choice, and he needs to choose to think beyond his feelings this second and start thinking about reality.  most six year olds understand long term consequences better than this clown.  granted, most six year old dont have this much of an ego either.  its like the terrible two's, only he is 30.</p> <p>part of me wants to print this out for him.  part of me knows i'd find it on facebook or in the newspaper shortly thereafter.  ok, maybe not, but i'd hear about it at work as he spread more rumours about how i published a website with the sole intention of hurting his feelings.  because the whole world revolves around him, right? its not possible for me to ever do anything for myself, because in his mind, everything i do is about him.</p> <p>he makes me feel too much like shit to keep him around.  he wants sex, but it too afraid to look at, or touch, women's body parts.  He doesnt need sex, he needs a therapist.  he doesnt deserve sexual pleasure if he wont give any back, regardless of the reason.  i'm not a sexual slave and it is not my job to fix him.  again, he needs to get off his ass and fix himself.  he has all the time in the world right now since he refuses to get a job!!</p> <p>i cant do this.  this "relationship" is bullshit.  its  always on me to do everything.  asshole has no sense of adult responsibility. no sense of relationship responsibility.  no sense of relationship.  the fact that someone married this man bewilders me, then again, if my life consisted of cheating on every partner i ever had, asshole would make a great companion because he doesnt give a shit what you do as long as you leave him alone and dont expect anything from him.  he is perfectly pathetic in every way.  </p> <p>too bad the outside world doesnt see the real him.  he puts on a real friendly show.  he seems like the perfect friend, as long as you dont try to get to close.  he will give you money, help you move, whatever you want, just dont try to get to know the real him.  he shows people whatever they want to see.  if you tell him anything, he will mock you behind your back.  i hear constant talk about how stupid his best friend is.  while i dont disagree with most of it, why is this guy your best friend if he is so stupid?  i am pretty sure asshole is surrounding himself with people worse off than himself (eternally stupid, socially inept, schizophrenic, on welfare, etc) just so he can feel superior. its not like he knows these people well enough to actually have any sort of friendship with them. they are really more like activity buddies where minimal small talk happens to occur.  perfectly pathetic in every way.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> Jul, 25 201 2011 00:00:00 GMT http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10095 http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D612413&entry=10095 <p>How to make things OK:</p> <p>1. Meet with my job and develop this "Return to Work Plan" that they are suggesting (Feb 24 to return Feb 28).</p> <p>2. Return to work successfully</p> <p>3. Meet with the specialist and get my test results (March 2). Develop action plan accordingly.</p> <p>4. Find a tenant to rent my spare room.  Preferably someone who fits in with the rest of us (before March 1).</p> <p>5. Find some anti-nausea drugs that work (ASAP)</p> <p>6. Find out if I'm pregnant or not (March 4th) and develop a plan accordingly</p> <p>7. Hope that my term will be renewed in June despite my health</p> <p>8. Try to relax during my time off work (right now) so that I don't have an anxiety attack in the coming weeks.</p> Feb, 19 201 2011 00:00:00 GMT