Open Diary - stay beautiful

Well, I'm Back

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 0:00:01 GMT

So, I was gonna start a blog, but I figured I would rather just get back to this. I have made friends on here, and every once in a while I read my favorites diaries still, but I never write anymore. I have some thoughts that I thought would do some good on paper, if only so I could look at them and try to analyze them, maybe figure myself out.

So lately, I have been all focused on the future. Forgetting that I need to focus on the present in order to get to the future. All I can think about is what I am going to do when I graduate. Where am I going to work? Will I hate it? Will I love it? Will I make decent money? Will I even find a job? Then I can only focus on marrying Rick. I even bought wedding books and magazines. And all I can think about is marrying him. I think at least a day ahead, if not a week, a month, a year, a decade. I can't stop and think about today... I am always looking forward. I forget that I have to get through today, tomorrow, this week, this year, this decade in order to get to the future. I have to remember that TODAY matters. I have to go to class in order to graduate. I have to turn in my late homework and study for my tests. I have to enjoy my dating time with Rick. I have to focus on school. Today, tomorrow, this semester. I can't just skip it all and fast forward. If I could, I really think I would, but then I know I'd wanna rewind and go back. Stay a kid forever... Forget the past few years of my life... forget the depression and anxiety, the cutting, the intense self-hate. Forget it all. Forget losing friends. Forget crying every night. Forget wanting to be back with Rick. Forget the refecjtion. But all of this has made me stronger. Made me get to where I am today. Yet, it's alos made me a little numb. Made me care a little less.

I'm struggling again, I had the urge to cut again, but I wouldn't. I won't. EVER. I have some depression and anxiety. But I'm better. I'm trying.

I need to remember today. TODAY....

help me out...please!!!

Tue, 13 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

So I'm a finalist to become a chevy rider... basically i get a car to drive to cool events for the summer...all you gotta do is text 'meganm' to 28546... please help me out!!!! [no extra charges]

something's not right...

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 0:00:01 GMT

... && i need to change it... i HAVE to... lately, I need way too much attention... it's soo dumb... like I constantly need attention... like the past three nights I had sex.... with Mark on Monday and Rick the past two nights... and that's SOOO not me.... especially that I had unprotected last night with Rick... so i sure hope I'm not prego.... seriously... what is wrong with me lately... honestly, it's like i NEED the attention so bad, that I don't care how I get it... I don't care if I'm being used... I don't care... I just need it.... it's so weird... UGH... like I hate sleeping alone... I try to get Rick or ANYONE to come stay over night all the time.. I just need so much attention... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? seriously.... I hate this... I go to therapy next wed && hopefully I'll mention some of this.... bLaH.. im fucked up....

alright...

Mon, 7 Apr 2008 0:00:01 GMT

the diet starts today.... so far i had a yogurt [60 cal] && after class i will probaby eat some tuna... so that's like 120 cal... i have no food so its easy not to eat.... i dunno if i'll get the chance to workout today so im walking to class instead of driving.... we'll see.... gotta finish getting ready...

postsecret 7

Sun, 6 Apr 2008 0:00:01 GMT