Open Diary - Madvibez

How do we know we are being respected?

Wed, 7 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

Often, we either find ourselves or see family or friends in an unhealthy relationship and wonder how we or them get into such mess. The truth is that there is something in us that blinds us to the abuse. The signs are clear to those outside but not to us. We need to stand up against it before too much damage is done. Here is a list of these signs in case we are in doubt (hope it is helpful):

1. If they are using words like "Always" and "Never" on you. Thats a sign that they are expecting perfection. That does not exist.

2. They start sentences with "You"... Instead they should start them with "I feel", That is a way more responsible/mature thing to say.

3. Raising their voice at you means that they want to dominate you. Are we not equal?

4. Calling you names, cussing, attempting to "guilt trip" or "shame" you, being condescending, being very critical, and making fun of you are all signs that they have no clue of what is respect for someone or their selves. No doubt that they are doing the same to theirself when they make mistakes. That is just sad.

5. Stop bringing up the past. If you confess to something and they said they are either cool with it or forgave it then they shouldn't bring it up again.

6. They want to start Catagorizing / Comparing you to others? Not cool at all. They should accept you as you are or go somewhere else.

7. If they enjoy being a person that doesn't listen to another's side of things, that talks over last part of another person's sentence, constantly lecturing, monopolizing conversation with monologues), and ignores (doesn't listen to others' opinions), then that's practically sociopathic.

8. Are they a person that turns away or walks away in the middle of a conversation? Their abandonment tactic will only hurt a child and they should never do that to a kid anyways.

9. They have to stop being sarcastic, where they are mad about one thing but talk about another thing. They are confusing themselves and others with this behaviour. They need to simply express how upset they are about something without being afraid to do so.

10. Do they enjoy laughing at others, mocking them? That is a childish attempt to make you feel lesser than them. Do not let this happen.

11. Do they make demands to talk at inappropriate times. If you are busy, they must wait till you are done.

12. The Passive Manipulative Behavior (pouting, slamming doors, whining, making faces, silent treatments) has to stop. They ought to save their energy. How about they simply tell you what they are mad about and let you try to correct it if it is truly your fault! Oh and if they wanna push buttons... they should go play Xbox.

13. Hitting, throwing things, crossing others' physical boundaries, threatening with physical gestures, and physical abuse will never be tolerated.

14. They need to quit using weak argument points, interrogating, asking inappropriate questions, or giving/fishing for inappropriate secrets. You do not have to tell them everything about you even if you are married. Tell them when you are good and ready.

15. Breaking your confidence by sharing your information with a third party is not OK.

16. Threatening statements (or behavior), blackmailing by saying "or else ", giving ultimatums, have strings attached to their gifts, or any severe conditional love ("I'll marry you, if you . . . . ") are not welcomed. If they cannot accept where you are at then what is stopping them from going about their way???

17. They should not take your inventory or property. Major violation!

18. Lying and breaking promises repeatedly is another way of saying "I don't care about hurting your feelings". That is a deal breaker!!!

19. Not going to be supportive emotionally and neglect your needs? Another deal breaker.

20. They are going to continue to be disrespectful/rude, be pushy, and won't take "no" for an answer? Then tell "Peace! See you later."

21. Giving you advice not asked for is not welcomed. You are not their project nor something broken for them to fix. they should fix their selves.

22. Being overly demanding or judgmental should not be welcomed, ever.

23. Focus please. Stop the shotgun blasting... try to stay on one subject until it is resolved and in a calm, respectful manner.

24. NEVER, EVER, let them sexually abuse you.

25. Last but not least they need to stop that withholding behavior and the excessive teasing. You will only continue to interact if they consistently follow through on their words!

Rules of Attraction

Mon, 5 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

We when we begin to get to know an attractive person what should be the proper steps taken in order to get to know him/her?

We can go on impulse and just indulge in this person's company, spending every second possible together, locked in those tremendous feelings of new found passion. Most of us take this course because its intensity is too strong to ignore and often our lives need such a blissful escape from the everyday stress or boredom. We engage in endless wet kisses and embraces. One's touch makes the other shiver. The sexual contact renders atomic explosions in our minds and bodies.

Unfortunately, this sweet escape tends to dry up in time... often ending in dreadful drama. We were so consumed by the spell of being with each other believing that this great feeling was going to last forever. But life proves otherwise.

The question is why can't it last a lifetime?

I have given it some thought and came across a powerful insight... that at the beginning of this beautiful interaction we truly feel like we are separate entities. Because of this we respect each other's space and feel a deep appreciation for the fact that the other person wants to not only talk to us but also desires to lavish us with her/his affection. We have a healthy connection at this point and understand that the other person is not tied to us and can walk away at any time. Once we begin to take the other for granted that is when we lose that important respect for this person. We say "Oh he aint going no where cuz he's mine." At this point we desire to control her/him and if this person goes against our desire they will feel our wrath. THIS MUST BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS!!!

My 5 Basic Levels of Healthy Attraction

1- Respect: this is what we should have for anyone by default. This allows us to function in a peaceful way, not invading each one's personal space. At this level we experience very little drama and we can easily get along since we are not so intertwined.

2- Admiration: while we are respecting others, from time to time we will come across another person that stands out in our eyes. S/he has some really exceptional qualities that we value and so we start to gravitate towards her/him. We may begin to have a flowering desire to interact with this person.

3- Appreciation: some of those that we admire will not grant us the time for a little interaction and so we can only admire from afar. Then there are occasions when s/he does return the attention and we feel truly appreciative of this blessing. This stage is perhaps the sweetest one. We must cherish and protect this stage with all our soul.

4- Desire/Lust: So we now have a person that we respect, admire, and appreciate. At this point, we may or may not begin to experience a chemical reaction. The hormones begin to kick in. We find ourselves wanting physical contact and to pour over an outward display of our deep/passionate desire for her/him. To get to this stage does not require much time. Some of us are more hotblooded than others. If the two of us are alike in this respect then there will be very little friction or time wasted. Otherwise, it could be a very "blue ballsy" experience for one or the other.

5- Love Connection: if given enough time to get to know each other's multiple facets, ways of thinking, habits, and plans then we are in great position to take a major step. This next level is the one of a serious commitment to continue to practice the previous 4 each day with a common vision to accomplish both important individual and couple goals. This level is rarely employed by people. It requires great focus, dedication, and awareness on both parties. This is the strongest connection that can and will pass the test of time.

Good Fear vs Dumb Fear

Sun, 4 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

Why is it that often we want someone who is a real challenge? Yet we are afraid to go for this person knowing that we won’t be able to hold our share of the bargain. We know that we have some work to do yet don’t dedicate our time to making the necessary changes. Time passes and we are the same or worst. The problem is our automatic behaviors. Our instincts and habits are very much like young children or pets in that they constantly disobey our greatest wishes.

The 1st step is to stop them. To do this we have to separate ourselves between a higher and lower self. One can stand aside as the higher and observe the lower self make a complete ass out of itself. By analyzing our creature of habit, we are able to understand what triggers it, how it revolts when it does not get what it wants, and how it goes away. Having a separation from it is essential because it gives us the room to breathe and not have to engage in its roller coaster ride of destructive urges. At that point we can negotiate with it and explain to it (yup, talk to ourselves) that giving into these things has not worked out well previously and will continue to get us nowhere. This is step is a lot like when we are curving a kid’s behavior or training a puppy.

Our lower self constantly wants maximum pleasure right now and could care less about what is coming later on. So it is more than important that our higher awareness is consistently there to prevent our future from being sabotaged. The future should always be our focus. If we make the best choices now, when the future comes to manifest as the present, we will be having the life of our dreams. But again, we have to be repetitious in our negotiating with our inner animal/child so that it knows who the boss is. In time, we will develop new healthy habits and it will be smoother sailing then.

What exactly will the dialog be between the higher and lower selves? Simple, it will be a good combination of uttering both the horrendous negatives and the juicy positives. Since it’s a creature of gratification and fear it will respond to this talk. Just recall the painful things we have gone through for making poor decisions or not knowing better or simply visit those that are paying dearly from their lack of self control like junkies, criminals, or those spending their last days in a death bed for further convincing.

Most parents and other authority figures have used fear to shape us to their liking. It worked for them during our early stages in life. What is crazy is that they raised us to be shameful for not instinctively knowing their agendas and rules. On top of this, the habits we developed in reaction to these fears are making our adult existence a living hell at times. How often do we refrain from doing something important being too frightened over how our appearance will appeal to the public eye?

But, we are more than fortunate because we can use the tool of fear to our advantage. We should focus on greater, more horrifying things like having an awful future due to the fact that many of our current impulses are driving us to such a fate. Concentrate on how it will feel to lose our sanity, our health, and our loved ones as a consequence of not taking charge of our habits. Envision not ever experiencing the biggest goals, hopes, and dreams, just letting life frustratingly pass us by wondering how/why others managed to fulfill their deepest desires.

Here is a little breakdown of unwanted behaviors and the fears behind them that keep us in a zombie-like state:

1- Laziness = fear to act and accomplish goals. Comes mostly from a background of over protective or very critical parenting. One can be afraid of the outside world as a whole or one can simply be afraid to experience any discomfort in the moment. This is a total waste of the only life we have, that we know of at least.
2- Modesty = being ashamed of our external appearance. This is a purely irrational impulse that was beaten into us by overly critical shallow people in our childhood. Our true happiness has nothing to do with outside looks but rather with our ability to master and direct our own lives.
3- Generally Anxious = experiencing a constant state of stress, like there is a certain danger often present. This is what we call shellshock. Comes from an environment of abuse and violence. As an adult one can live in a very peaceful home yet the habit of being uptight plays on destroying one’s health and hopes.

When we become fully aware of our truly greatest fears we get energized to stop the short-sighted irrational habits. Even hard addictions like smoking and drinking are dropped. We get inspired to get going and start grabbing the things that we yearn for the most and which we deserve. We go from hiding our faces to sticking it out for the world with a big smile. At this point, we will be more than ready to have a relationship with an exceptional person who has all the qualities we dreamed of.

Why do we have emotions

Sun, 4 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

Very crucial to having a good handle of what is happening in and outside of us is to be emotionally stable. If this is not the case, our feelings will cloud our judgment and, without a doubt, our decision making. Almost all of us suffer from this plague. Somehow we believe that our sentiments are pests that get in the way of what we want to do. So let's investigate what are our emotions? Aren’t they some form of energy that rise from within us? My understanding is that they are bits of information which are natural responses to stimuli. They are something so basic to our nature yet we are so lost when it comes to what to do with them.

One thing we all know for sure is how good it feels to express our emotions to others. It feels pretty damn good, right? Yet why are we so afraid to consistently do this? Is it because we fear appearing stupid, weak, or simply do not want to offend others? We should not worry about any of this if we at all understand how healthy it is to let out this rapid energy. It is a lot like breathing. When we inhale we feel a pressure in our chest which forces us afterwards to exhale, returning our chest back to its natural state. Isn't that similar to when we are reacting with an emotion, sensing that pressure to let it out, releasing it, and feeling relaxed again?

Our culture pushes us to suppress or ignore our feelings, consequently we are often in some bad mood. This crazy unhealthy practice is something we are doing since we are very young. Our bodies essentially have been serving as pressure cookers where stresses accumulate throughout the days, weeks, months, and years leading us to hate how we are consistently feeling. Eventually we have to bust out some displaced anger on innocent by-standers like our family, lovers, and friends who do not deserve this treatment. This pent up energy also can lead to psychological disorders and physical sicknesses.

Why be ashamed of our feelings? Again, they should be treated like neutral bits of information to communicate to others, letting them know how their actions are affecting us. If they really care about us then they would listen and make adjustments out of love. They would also see that unexpressed feelings lead to our anger and that constant anger will drive us to depression or worst. They definitely would not want that lack of concideration from us.

Aren’t we tired of the same old way of interacting with each other? We either are being the aggressor (typically played out by parents, authority figures, or males) where we are condemning, hitting, labeling, or commanding others. Or we are being passive aggressive (usually acted out by young children, people of lower positions or females) where we are being dishonest, whiners, victims, not at all direct, sarcastic, and manipulative. How about we try being assertive like healthy adults? This means we are open, honest, direct, and treat others like equals. The first 2 examples seek to start conflict or run away from it while the 3rd holds her/his position, defends it without trying to hurt the other.

A healthy adult also feels responsible for her/his reactions to others. Others don’t make us say or do anything. We have a CHOICE! Why? Because we recognize that there is a definite space, buffer, or filter between oneself and others. It is clear to us that how we will react to another’s negative comments or actions depends on our self esteem, how much we respect, care for, and/or how long we have known the other. Regardless of the relationship to her/him, being direct and respectful is the only way to resolve a conflict in a healthy manner. In this way we are letting our body return to its natural state of balance (relaxed) and if the other person ends up giving us what we were desiring then that will be the cherry on top.

What about body language? Would it not make the most sense if our posture is open, standing or sitting at the level of the listener? Shouldn’t eye contact be constant without staring and our voice should be direct without shouting? Straight forward stuff right? Yet we still don’t find it all that easy to follow since we are not aware of what is really cognizant of what is the proper way of doing it.

A while ago I found a great list on how to have a good engagement of communication with someone. I cannot remember the source but it goes something like this:

1- Person expresses feeling.
2- Listener repeats gist of what was said.
3- Expresser responds with yes/no/further clarification.
4- Both validate what is understood.
5- Thank each other.
6- Listener then is given opportunity to express any feeling.

Each step must be completed before moving on to avoid a power struggle. When we feel cut of or misunderstood we develop grudges or lose the desire to interact with the other person. Avoid knit picking and speak about the essence of issues. A wife can complain about how the husband does not help much with the kids or help with managing the bills, but that is not as effective as brining to his attention why he is not motivated to contributing more in the marriage. This blog is what I consider to be an essential piece of knowledge that helps us develop our language skills and improve our ability to see clearly. Putting a stop to the bullshit starts inside each and everyone of us.

What I DON'T want from a woman!

Sun, 4 May 2008 0:00:01 GMT

1- Don't consume me. Your desperation and smothering will drive me away.

2- Stop disrespecting my boundaries... I am me and you are you. Your thoughts are not mine and vice versa. So don't try to shame me for not thinking like you. You certainly don't like it when others treat you like that, especially a lover.

3- Stop this sadomasochism!!! Stop enjoying punishing me or me punishing you. I am not one of those ignorant persons that traumatized you to the point that you became that way when you were little.

4- Quit your fear of letting go. Stop your impulse to be constantly watching me or controlling me. I will not always do the things that you like. Accept it just like I will accept your ways and mistakes.

5- Remove your fear of change and fear of the unknown. The most unhealthy thing to do is to remain the same person, stuck in your internal torture. Learn about yourself, make changes and evolve into the happy person you deserve to be. I, no one, can do this for you..

6- Stop your lack of individual growth and definitely don't try to stop my growth. Do you, I do me!!! We both want to feel free... this freedom will actually make us appreciate our company more!

7- Quit wanting this false sense of intimacy. It is OK for you to want me, but lay off this idea that you NEED me! We are two separate individuals interacting and connecting intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically... we are not Siamese twins!

8- Stop the psychological games. No matter how you try to manipulate it, I am not your daddy nor your child. If you want something from me, ask for it straight up! If its OK for me to give it to you then you will get it with pleasure. If not, then you won't, deal with it and move on.

9- You can relax on this giving and expecting to get something back in return thing. It is all about feeling free to give and enjoying how great that feels.

10- Slow down with your attempts to change me. You are welcome though to politely ask me to learn a new skill and explain to me why it would be beneficial for me to do so.

11- Chill on the need to fix me. Fix yourself. Someone that wants perfection from others is obviously very unhappy. So you got plenty to keep yourself occupied with.

12- Never demand unconditional love from me. That is meant for parents towards their kids only. As for you and me, there are definite limits! It is more than OK for me to move on if you are being more of a pain than a joy.

13- Stop your fear of commitment. I am not your abusive caretaker. You are no longer this child that is tired of being abandoned or smothered by her parents. You are now all "growns up". This is a partnership of true support and growth between 2 adults... step it up.

14- Quit looking at me for affirmation or self worth. I am not your trophy nor a certificate that states that you are worthy of love or happiness just because you are now with me. You get that from working hard on yourself and proving it to yourself.

15- Stop feeling abandoned every time we momentarily get separated. Why can't you feel more than content just by being on your own and occasionally thinking about me at times?

16- Quit recreating these old negative feelings and situations. Why must you keep thinking that I am like your abusive father, uncle, brother, or ex who enjoyed torturing you?

17- Above all... do not compare what we have to some freaking fairy tale!!! Nothing lasts for ever. Be mature and self-sufficient enough to confidently walk away from this relationship if it no longer is living up to standard.