Open Diary - Linny_the_lovely

I could really use somebody

Fri, 1 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I have a lot of time on my hands. Time I should spend doing school work, but I am a master procrastinator. I'm behind in school work... woops. Anyway, that's not really the point of this entry. I've actually been thinking about my lack of friends lately. I know the friends I once had are not actually gone and they don't realize I've lost them but to me, to me they're gone. For a long time they have seemed so distant and were never what I needed and I think I let them out of my heart. They seem almost imaginary these days. Who were they, what where their names again? I"m often shocked to see how little they know about me. How easily they forget me.

-I'm too tired;; so I'll continue tomorrow-

Good Grief

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I found myself thinking today about the expression "good grief". What's that supposed to mean? Is it an oxymoron or is there "good grief" and "bad grief". Does anyone know the origin? I don't.

Speaking of grief... what are the stages of grief again? Oh yes; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Most people think that people only go through grief when losing someone through death or a tragedy in similarity. Though I suppose grief comes in varying degrees like when your cat runs away, or maybe you lose your favorite shirt. It's probably not as bad compared to a close family member dying but it's grief and loss, none the less. I believe you go through the same stages of grief even when losing a favorite shirt. Maybe some are skipped over or the stages appear in a different order but the grief is still there. Grief seems like a strong word for losing an item of clothing but if the steps are there...

Recently I lost something. I feel that it probably falls in the higher end of the spectrum of grief; maybe not to such a degree of losing someone to death but what I lost was pretty drastic. I lost my life. Of course, not in the sense of dying. I lost my life as I knew it. I lost the innocence and peace of a child. I lost the oblivious happiness I took advantage of. And, in result, I lost my friends. The change was so drasticly sudden that it knocked me on my ass.

Denial-
I can't honestly say that I know this step was experienced. Looking back I see it but I really didn't see it at the time. I was in denial that things were changing; that I was changing. Maybe because the change seemed so overnight when it probably had been a subtle, drawn out change. Maybe denial plays into why it was so subtle. It was like I kept walking on, moving forward, as everyone else stopped to take breather.

Anger-

The anger was strong and to a degree is still bubbling under the surface. It wasn't fair that I was the only one that noticed how wrong everyone was around me. I hated my friends. I hated the way they treated me. I hated that I was the only one who could see it. I hated how unfair the world could be. ANd even know I can't even describe completely what it was that I saw that no one else did, what caused the anger. I guess it was the hurt that my heart was feeling, the hurt that no one else could even try to understand. I was so angry that they couldn't, or wouldn't, understand.

Bargaining-

In away the denial and the bargaining went hand in hand in my situation, in my loss. I wanted to keep things the way they were. I wanted to keep the peole I considered friends and thought loved me. I was so afriad of change that the only logical answer at the time was to pretend that things were fine, to push aside the hurt and anger and pretend that I didn't cry at night. And for a while it worked. THings didn't change, I continued to act the way I always had - kept the change at bay- in order to keep the people who had been hurting me. But eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. It didn't seem worth it anymore. THe misery that the bargain I had set up with fate was causing me wasn't worth what I was receiving. The gain was far less the the loss. I was losing myself. I was losing who I was. And so the more I tried to keep from losing everything I had once known the more I lost.

Depression-

And when I finally stopped trying to keep the change shut inside a closet it flooded at me in the form of depression. Suddenly I had nothing. Suddenly I didn't know what I wanted. Suddenly I didn't know who I was because I had already lost that while bairganing. It wasn't fair nothing was fair. I shut down because there was nothing left to work towards. My goal for so long had been keeping everything the same and fixing myself to fit inside everyone else's box that once I had given up on that I had nothing to move towards. With no goals I was stuck. So I curled up in a ball and let everything pass me by. I slept. alot. There was no reason to get out of bed because I had no where to go. So I shriveled up and dried out waiting for everything to be better. I wanted magic. I wanted it all to magically get better.

Acceptance-

Things can't be as they were when I was oblivious to the innerworkings of the world, the evil of the world. Things can't be the same as they were when I was being who my friends wanted me to be. Because now I'm being who I am sitead of who you want me to be. and I'm fine with that, for now. I'm happy for the most part. I know who I am and that's good. I have goals that I am working towards. Time to time I"ll see those friends who chewed me up and spit me out but I'm not living through them. I can't live through them. I can't naively believe that as long as things don't change everything is fine. I know better. They may not have found what I have found yet but I"ll be here when they eventually do. I'll be here when they find who they are. I"ll be here when they see how wrong they've been. I'll be here. I'm happy. Once and a while I"ll be struck with crippling loneliness but I'm happy. I'm happy. And this, my friends, is what we call acceptance.

So is my experience with grief classified as "good grief"? Is it "good grief" because I gained something out of the process? But don't people always gain something from grief; whether it be a newly found strength, a better understanding of the value of life or an appreciation for what they once had? Does this mean tht all grief is good grief?

What do you think?

Food for thought

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Welcome to my world. A world where I surpress my real thoughts until I completely lose it and have a meltdown. Is it strange that my best friend is my mom and that I spend more time with her than anyone else? The Gilrmore Girls make it seem extremely sweet but in real life does that make me a loner... and outcast? I certainly don't think so. I'm cynical but it's my so called friends that made me this way. I used to trust and believe but I've been let down so much that it's too hard.

It started Freshman year. There was a sudden shift where I went from 13 to 23 while my friends went from 13 to 14 to 15. See, they stopped caring. I felt like a toy; there to hang out with and have a good time when they wanted to but put on a shelf and forgotten about when they didn't need me. I stopped smiling as often and lost my carefree attitude. Suddenly I found myself analyzing everyone word they said and everything they did because I was getting some mixed signals. "I love you, Linny" turns into "Stop obsession over him, Linny, it's just puppy love", "You're my best friend, Linny" to "I'm too busy, Lin". This ache inside of me began when they didn't have time for me anymore. Emily had Soccer and Hockey and Track and sports all year long. Sari had ballet almost everyday for hours and hours. Aphrodite, well, her parents were very controlling. And that's everyone. That's all I had; nothing. I've hated sports my whole life. Everyone else became so focused on theirselves. I got phone calls with someone crying on the other end all of 7th and 8th grade but 9th grade when I was the one calling in a mess of tears... no one answered. I had no one. I had been a support system to everyone expecting to be caught when I eventually fell but I hit the ground. Or rather, I thought I was going to hit the hard cement but I was caught by my family; more specifically my mother. That's when I realized that I had a built in best friend and someone on my side.

Meet Indio:
Indio and I are a complicated mess. I've known him all my life. He was the boy down a few blocks, my "first kiss" back when I was 4 years old. He was the golden boy in my eyes because he was the only boy I knew that wasn't a relative. He was my Indio. In kindergarden Al and I were at his house for a playdate. Indio put me in the closet and told me he would let me out unless I showed him my underwear. I, knowing that what he asked was inappropriate, refused. I was terrified. Here I was locked in a closet and Alan wasn't helping me out, he didn't know what to do... Eventually his dad yelled down the stairs that it was time to go and I was released from my confinment still with my pants securely in place. Kitty, another neighborhood friend and my first best friend, was my confidant and I told her about the violation. She took it upon herself to go tell Indio's mother but she didn't believe Kitty and insisted she was making it up. HIs mother yelled at her mother and then it blew over. When we were 10 Kitty entrusted me with the information that Indio had made her lie down naked and let him kiss her while they rolled around. See, I instantly believed kitty not really knowing the truth. And I guess I'll never know the truth because Indio has forgotten most of our childhood together. Later in about 6th grade we had another falling out and this time it lasted 2 years. He 'stole' my diary and threatened to read it to the class if I didn't promise to be nicer to him. To this day he sticks to the story that he just found it on the spanish class floor, but I'll never really know. The summer between 8th and 9th grade I saw him again for the first time in 2 years after avoiding him like the plague. He was a changed boy. He was the most amazing person I had met and I fell hard for him. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything. Many a night we had heart-to-hearts where we spilled our souls to each other. I told him I had a crush on him but he had a girlfriend. He told me he thought he liked me too and we'd see were things went when things ended with his girlfriend (as they eventually would). Then he broke my heart, the gentlest way possible and I forgave him. The details aren't necessary and are too painful but our messy past is a part of who I have become. I became more forgiving and understanding, and most importantly, more caution about who I write off.

I've learned from my mistakes, so why can't EN, SM and AC?

*I use initials for friend's names, Nicknames for family or people who seem to have made an important impact on me or my life*