I have been writing on this open diary since I was 14 years old, that is a long time now that I am half way to the age of 27.
I have redone this diary front pages many times, and now I can say I really just long to state I have healed and the race I began so long ago is over, but joyfully I say the race has just begun!
The healing has just started!
That does not mean the pain is gone, no healing means I am going to and am going through raw painful times, desperate crys, emotions I never knew I had. I feel sometimes and right now lost, confused, like I need a rescue boat and were is it going to come from, how is anything going to change I ask myself over and over again. Sometimes I feel so desperate for a hug a loving hug that I wrap my arms around myself and hug myself to feel the warmth of imagining the love of my Fiancee with me. Its calming and loving to me.
I am going through a really lot, I am facing a major illness called shy dragers syndrome and instead of being able to deal with the news of what I had, I had a complete emotional breakdown. I couldnt face the truth and I also havent been able to deal with my pain in years, I have been stuffing everything away, pretending that I was okay, that I could handle this fight. Hence the large gaps in my writing on here.
I tryed to make everything seem perfect with me, that I could get through anything, that I was able to overcome my challenges, while inside I was bleeding, I was throbbing with pain, I have been crying myself to sleep many nights, or crying during the day. I have been praying and praying and thats what gets me through, our Holy Heavnly Father saves me, has saved me. I have had a relationship with our Holy Heavenly Father that I have not described to anyone how deep and complex and wonderfully amazing it is, beyond anything I could imagine. I have told people my faith gets me through, but its so much more then that, its a deep devotion, a deep love, a deep fear in how much I long to obey and serve Our Holy Heavenly Father and Holy Heavenly Savior. I will do anything to serve Our Lord in Heaven and that means I am changing my Life, I am going through the trials, the challenges, being shaped by Our Heavenly Father who is the Potter and I am the clay being molded. All the Glory be to Our Heavenly Father and Our Heavenly Savior! I am not the same that I was a week ago and not the same I was when I started this Diary. I am always being shaped, changed through trials, through experiences, through prayer, through learning to trust Our Holy Heavenly Father and Savior and not rely on what I always had, my long held beliefs in what the world had taught me was okay. I am slowly learning and just now really learning that all truth lays in the testimony of Our Holy Heavenly Father, The Holy Bible, Scripture. That I do not have to fear man, I only have to Fear Our Great and Glorious Holy Heavenly Father. I believe I have come a long way, but I have a very long way to go. I still yet have not healed, but I have gone from having eyes that only could see darkness and now eyes that can see light and a heart that feels Love and a strong longing to give back to others and not to live for myself. If anything that is a change to me, a change worth everything I have gone through in these years. I am so amazed to be able to pray and I know I would be dead if it was not for our Holy Heavenly Father and Savior, in all their Glory being there for me when I needed help, desperate help. I am so very thankful to be able to say I am just beginning to Hope again and I am really just beginning to dream again. My first dream formed in my mind today, to go on a honeymoon in Tuscany Italy with my Fiancee Evie Jenny and travel through Italy and even see Rome. What a wonder it is to dream!
