So fucked up. Need to record, so I won't make the same mistakes twice. If you read this, learn.
Over a year later now. Further elaboration may be necessary.
I have been depressed and suicidal most of my life. Some of my first memories are of trying to end my own life. Most people I ever interact with have no clue. In addition, I have also had one of the most fucked up lives I have ever heard of. Granted, there are many people in the world worse off than I am, as I am often reminded by those who try to help me. I am not starving to death in Africa or working in a forced labor factory in China. I live in America. Context, however, is all we have, and I have always been surrounded by people who have much more than I yet work much less for what they have.
I was always an outcast, and in my early teens, emerging from a damaging and scarred youth and able to physically make my own decisions, I started hanging out with the alternative crowd in the city I'm from. For the next four or five years, my depression didn't abate, but I had begun a healing process. I made great friends, a lot of wonderful memories as well as horrible ones, partied, drank, and did a lot of drugs. The year that started remains to this day the best year of my life.
Girls enter the equation. Like any depressed person, I thought a signifcant other was what I needed. I fucked up my (for the most part) first relationship and moved across the country for a girl I should've been with instead. That was three years ago. Since doing this, I have yet to make a single friend. I live with a girl I love in a place I hate, working a job I hate, dreaming of my old friends and doing anything other than nothing.
Each day for the past three years has been worse than the last, and as I walk across streets, I sincerely hope I killed by passing cars. I am aware my life probably doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it's not. There's something wrong with my brain. It doesn't matter. I want to die. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to sleep forever. I can't stand it anymore.