I am full... painfully full and bloated. I just spent most of the last few hours carousing for food. Hit 7Eleven for some dove ice cream, chips and a big gulp. Then Walgreens for some tootsie rolls and licorice. On to blockbuster, scouring for a movie I don't intend to watch but served as an excuse for me to get out of the house on my hunt for binge food (besides, the ice cream needs time to melt).

The ganache covered ice cream lasts five minutes. The rest of the bounty is stuffed in my purse. I kiss the kids when I come through the door. "Mommy's tired, sweeties". I slink off to my room, avoiding my husband and his sunday sports ritual. I opt to watch Law and Order:Criminal Intent while sneaking chips and tootsie rolls from my purse. I love being alone with my candy and tv. Vincent D'Onofrio... he's protecting me. I'm okay.

When the show is over, I'll excuse myself to the upstairs bathroom to take a bath. While the bath is running, I'll throw up in the toilet. I'll rinse my mouth and then wash myself clean. And then, I can start over and pretend to be normal again.

And maybe someday I will be...

Herein lies my story: that of a 30-something mother of three and her 20 year battle with eating disorders. ( Sometimes she wins... but mostly 'ed' wins, to be honest.). What went on in the early years? Dishonesty, shoplifting, promiscuity, drinking, prescription drug abuse, self-injury, depression, hospitalizations, suicide attempts, more drinking, more promiscuity, unplanned pregnancy, another unplanned pregnancy, marriage, legitimate but unplanned pregnancy, soccermomdom. And of course there was the weight gain and (less often) the weight loss.

And then what?? What happens to a not-so-recovered bulimic who becomes a stay-at-home mom?? Emotional eating, emotional overeating, compulsive overeating, binging again, purging again, restricting, over-excersizing, extreme weight loss, bitchiness, depression, anxiety attacks, more binging and purging, drinking, abusing prescription drugs, self injury, weight gain, weight loss, weight gain.  And therapy! I forgot to mention therapy!!! Yes CONSTANT therapy! $ Individual Therapy $ Support Groups $ Intensive Outpatient Therapy $ Family Therapy!!! $$$$ And has it been successful??? You guess!

 Feel free to read on. It's certain that drama will ensue...