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I’m waiting for somebody to tell me – do I want to be with this person for the rest of bmy life – because I don’t know. I feel terrible but I don’t know why. Is it because I know I will miss him – yes I know that for sure. But I also know there’s more to my life – more to explore and find and more places to go. He doesn’t want that. I thought he did. When he first talked about our future, it was open – going for bike rides, him looking for acting work, me focusing on my career or whatever I wanted for myself. Now it’s seemed to change. Something has made him want to get married soon. He seems to be in a rush. And now he dreams about buying a bigger place in Chinatown together. That’s his dream. That’s not my dream. No one’s ever asked me what my dream was. Or what I want. And I don’t think getting married will help. He wants someone to be there when he’s had a long day. Do I want to be that person? I can’t say I’m burning to do that for the rest of my life. I love him – yes. But to be someone’s support is not my dream. It’s not what I dreamed when I was a little girl. It’s not what I dream about now. I thought I wanted love and I have that with him. And he makes me laugh and I feel warm and safe. But it’s almost too safe. I don’t explore when I’m with him. We do what he wants. We eat what he wants. We watch what he wants. And we’re not even married yet. But if I do tell him all of this, it’s not going to help. Maybe I am selfish. I’ve never said I’m selfless. I would never make a claim like that. I’ve never pretended to be better than I am. I’ve never even claimed that I would be a good wife or a good girlfriend. In fact, I’ve been waiting for him to say enough. Waiting, because I have known it was bound to happen soon if something didn’t happen to one of us first. This is the truth, but it’s not something I can share. I don’t think it would be read with open eyes. I don’t think it would be understood. I can’t share all of myself. I have shared so much more than I thought I ever would. Than I ever planned to. It was nice, and I wasn’t manipulated into doing so. But it hasn’t been enough. He’s told me it’s not enough. I won’t read into it as meaning I am not enough. I know that is not the case. I’m so much more than he or anyone around me thinks. I know I’m overlooked, ignored, unheard. But I know that’s not a measure of me or what I will be.
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1 Public Entries
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Entry
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Date
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let asteri finish
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1/20/2007
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