driving home with my broken tooth, broken car, and barely living mind- trudging home proved to be a feat, once again only endured through the help of others-

my decaying mouth, unable to be fixed due to lack of money on all parts and the hirerachy of the system in which the corrupt world is beginning to leak into my daily life- where a 15 min. visit for my broken tooth ends in a 300$ bill and no solution for the neccessary cause...what am i doing in this place?

turning in the car, after my warped tired shook the body of my car for 1/2 an hour till i could stop- then getting help, and driving to newport news on a donut - at 45 mph- pissing off every semi and automobile in the middle of rush hour traffic possible- thank goodness no one fishtailed me as they passed me like i had just ruined their day...

coming home to find my parents still at ends of a torn relationship, which has leaked over into my being in the house...with the question..."did you dad say anything before her left"... a response of, "no..." never seems to satisfy...until i am able to better descirbe the daily activities of my parents to each other.. "she left for work, she'll be home by 9, "..." he's out playing poker, he has two games tonight"... and then i am allowed to retire into my room...

where for the first time in month i slept in the middle of the day- i just layed down, laundry in the wash- and the dog and i slept within the periodic ringing of my cell phone for the very loud house phone-

i always feel empty after waking up in the middle of the evening... jolting out of bed by my father "HEY! dinner?"...

i can only reply with a look as i slush from my room to the bathroom where i proceed to wash my face and snap out of my displaced feeling.

--- tonight the famliy decided to ruin a family tradition--- my opinion , to continue the trend both parents are on in their little war against each other- taking one of my favorite childhood meals- Cincinnati chili, and attempting to cover it and mix it with new and improved chili, "But it was twice as expensive as the old stuff"  and trying to conform the taste to the only way it's suppose to... i was quite upset when i learned that it wasn't what i was expecting- first taking 10 minutes to remove the hunks of tomatoes and jalapenos from the chili... and then another 40 to attempt to eat pasta on one side of my mouth... attempting not the get any food or saliva on my 1/2 of a molar...

the meal was aggrivating at the least- a formative metaphore to the unlined problem... these two people are trying to cover up and pump in better ingredients into an old receipe, which in the end- only proves for disaster to the people who appreciate it the most...

i am completely fruious with my parents... they make the worst impression at each moment possible- and they live for it.

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everyone continues to tell me that this bad luck streak i'm on- it happens to everyone- and it always comes in waves... well i have come to the decision that i'm getting hit with a tidal wave- everything terrible to happen all at once... maybe to catch up on a few good years i had back in high school or something like that.

-my relationship ended-a best friend from h.s died-my car exploded-my papa died-my parents are seperating-my grades are low-my car died in mid-driving for my birthday-i never seem to have enough money to fix anything-i cant feel comfortable at school-my tooth broke off-i had to drop a class- my car broke while coming home for spring break-im not doing well in any of my classes and can't catch up-i keep having to depend on my kentucky family for money-i just want to be away from everyone-i'm completely disappointed in everything that i do- i just want give up and start over- or not continue at all...

i thought about suicide just a bit ago- and i remembered someone saying once that the reason you go to hell is because you take away the option of god to choose - or have you on his path-

and that suicide hurts others the most- it's a selfish way to die....

well maybe being selfish isn't so bad when it comes to this level of mindset-

i don't think there's a pill that'ls going to cure me...only do what it's done to everyone else i know that's on those stupid things- which is change them completely- i hate people who depend on pills- and especially those people who think that their problems can be fixed with a tiny remedy such as that...

hipocritically - i do take birth control- but i know i could be responsible without it-

as far as depression pills- i have more a need than many of those on them... people who would quit on their problems and look for an easy way out-

i think it would have been better if i had never been told that my mother was so mentally ill- or been kept up to date on the insane things she proceeds to do with her life- in respect that my family doesn't believe she'll make it through many more years before she kills herself or is killed-

that knowledge is like holding a gun to your head, and then being told exactly how it will kill you when the trigger goes off- and having to sit and wait until it does 

i am in line with the genetics to become a problem such as my mother is...

but like my mother, i will not take pills or medications to change this way- if it is meant to be then- there i will have to decide how to understand myself well enough to control it- i will not turn into a dull- lesser version of myself- like so many who are on these things- i had to watch first hand how it changed one of my best friends... and i can honestly say- she has never been the same-

on the topic of depression- i have never been as mentally depressed for this long of a period in my life. not even when i wanted , and tried , to kill myself- a silly middle school attempt- more a calling for help then a desperate and honest attempt...

sometimes i can feel my blood moving through my body- it's like knowing that everything is connected... and that it would be easy to take it all away... easy- in the most difficult terms of easy there are...

i have found no driving purpose since all of this began, i'm just trying to keep my head above water- because i know that you can't drown yourself... your body won't let you unless you weigh yourself down~

i'm tired- tired of being upset and having the worst luck, tired of being disappointed in myself- tired of having to fake things around others because after a while, people honestly stop caring about the problem- i'm tired of apologizing for things that i shouldn't have done, and were only done because i let my restraint on reason go for a short period of time-

almost every night i fight with myself for the things that i can't say outloud and the problems i can't fix or even being to remedy- i want to hit myself when i think of all the terrible decisions i've made in this time period- because i just don't understand what to do anymore- what will make things better...

teleology: the belief that everything happens for a reason-

then why is suicide such a problem- if it is for a reason?  suicide is not about the people it hurts when you're gone, it has absolutly nothing to do with that... it is about the fact that you make the decision to stop you life- and since you have the free will and capability to do so- you are the only person responsible and the only person concerning...

letting go is one of the hardest things i have come to face... i dont think i ever "let go"- things just become dormant- but right now i can't hold on to anything, nothing makes sense through out the day- and i just want for this to all be over-

i honestly wish the entire year would never have happened...but i know- within my reasoning mind, knowing, that it has to 

but somewhere, deep down i know that this bad luck that i keep having is only going to continue-and i am so scared of how much longer i can handle it all... because there is no light at the end of the tunnel... only a brick wall- and i'll be too tired to try and claw my way out by then.