Okay... I'm awake. I can't sleep, and I'm going to ramble and get some frustrations out. I'm really not sure how some of them got there, who they're aimed at, or why. I'm not even sure if any of them are real or just byproducts of my fucked up self.
I think I'm mostly angry with me. Angry for being the way I am. I said before that I thought I was a horrible person but I didn't really explain why. I'd like to be completely honest because right now I really don't give a shit what people think about me. So I guess I will now. To start off, I'm a very manipulative person. With the exception of a few people whom have my trust and love, I manipulate others. I've been doing this since I was a child. Why? Because I can. Because pending my health insurance, which is also pending a real psychiatric evaluation, I'm not even sure if I'm a real person. Despite acting natural towards those select people, I don't know what natural is. I don't know who I am. In fact, I think of myself in third person most of the time. I'm so fucking dissociated with myself that sometimes I forget I'm even there. Why does this lead me to manipulate people? Because I had to have something to show them. Some kind of personality. From a young age I would study people and figure them out. I would figure out their weaknesses, their likes, their reactions, their pet peeves, their whole god damn way of thinking, and then I would adapt to it and show them what they wanted to see. Since most of who I am today was seeded in me as a child, my main personality is pretty shy, empathetic, and introverted. I loved helping people. I loved becoming some sort of defender to those less fortunate. Why? Because I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be looked up to. I'm guess I am so fucking unstable with myself that if someone isn't leaning on me, I don't feel like I have any purpose in life.
Nothing shocks me. Nothing. I may pretend it does but I'm desensitized. Why? I really don't have any mental limits on what I can handle. I'm not sure if I've ever had them. Everyone is different and in order to adapt to people's likes and dislikes, I had to be flexible. I've never been in a fight at school. Why? I was friends with everyone. I wasn't popular, but I studied everyone in school and adapted to those in power. I used this to my advantage by saving the asses of the kids who got picked on. Since the bullies were my "friend", all I had to do was say the word. I never used this to get someone picked on, I always used it to save people and get them to look up to me. Now at first this seems pretty selfish but if you think about it, how many good things does anyone do without it benefiting themselves? Even if you get nothing in return, you still do it to get that "warm fuzzy feeling" right? There’s always something in it for you. Whether you help someone for a reward, or self-satisfaction. I'm not justifying it, I'm just rambling.
I had a huge thirst for knowledge and still do. I really don't know what the reason is. I like knowing things. I like knowing things that other people might need to know and I'll have the answer. I don't consider myself an expert at anything though. In fact, I think because of this desire to know so much, I've limited myself to never really knowing any one thing completely because I get bored once I know "enough" of the subject to know a little more than most of the people I know. Why? Because I don't feel like I'm worth anything unless they might have a reason to look up to me.
I fight dirty and I fight psychologically. I wasn't one to throw temper tantrums as a child. If I were mad I would play with people's heads. I would make them guilty or worried or scared or whatever other emotion I could think of. I learned from a young age that logic and emotions are a much more powerful weapon than physical pain could ever be. I always wanted to appear innocent though, I mean, I assume everyone does but I was so concerned with my image that I would never directly attack someone. I would just say or do certain things that I knew would trigger them to feel a certain way without even realizing I was doing it. People can just block out someone who's bothering them but it’s much harder to block out their own mind. All I would do is turn their own mind against them. Throw in some doubts, fears, and guilt... whatever. Another benefit to knowing how to do this was recognizing others who tried to do it. I was questioning those kinds of techniques in the bible at age 3... heh maybe that’s where I learned some of this.
So one thing led to another and I started to slip in 6th grade. I became so preoccupied with other people I stopped giving a shit about myself. I noticed it, others noticed it, but it didn't matter. I cannot honestly work for something I don't care about. I started viewing people around me as puppets. I never actually tried to control someone to make them do something I wanted. For example, I never manipulated someone to go get me a soda. It was much more mental. I would sit at my desk and instead of working; I would spend 6 hours of the school day studying people. I started experimenting with body language and the expression on my face and things like to get them to react in whatever way I wanted them to. I started trying to make the people around me have whatever impression of me I wanted them to have. I would act on their desires and fears. But like I said before, I'd do it without them even realizing I was doing it. I still maintained my personality of being a shy/quiet/innocent kid who everyone knew but who remained just anonymous enough to not be given a second thought by most.