So I finally asked the question I've been wanting to ask him for weeks tonight, and the results were not nearly as positive as I wanted them to be. I asked him to more or less to confirm whether he had a girlfriend. The answer, was "Not exactly". How can you "not exactly" be with someone? I don't know. Maybe trying to patch up an old relationship? Starting a new relationship? I have no idea ... But that was his answer.
I think it bothered me more than it should have. I mean, we haven't seen each other in ages and its been over three years since we broke up so I shouldn't actually care right? Right? Wrong. Totally the opposite. I care too much about what he's doing and who he's seeing. Why? Because I can't accept the fact that I fucked up all those years ago when I ended our relationship. I search for his qualities in everyone I date or consider dating then wonder why my relationships never work out no matter who, and where I date. I can't accept the fact that he no longer cares for me when I still think about him all the time. And it sucks. I can't ever be happy because now that I've lost him, I'm not oblivious to what I've lost. I wish I were though. It would make this a whole lot easier. He was fantastic in every way and I couldn't shake feeling like I was missing something because I was so complacent with him. I dont know if that makes any sense at all. I mean that once you are with someone for such a long period of time, it makes you feel so uninteresting. The fun of the chase was completed ages ago and now you're just... living. Then you feel like you're missing out on the adventure, and when someone you think may be nice comes along you ditch complacency for adrenaline. Thats when you begin to ruin everything.
I would say that's a stroke of bad luck. Bad luck indeed.
I don't think I will ever date anyone, ever again. It's not a personal choice, believe me. I've just figured out that some people aren't meant to get married, or have fabulous boyfriends. Some people are destined to live a solitary life because they are so messed up in the head. I hate that I fall into this category, and I realise now how much I took for granted when I was in high school. I know there's no point dwelling on it because no matter how hard I try I can't turn back time, and even if I could I doubt it would be the same. I would still love him, but he would still feel akward and uncomfortable around me. I would still want to spend all my time with him, just like I do now, but he'd have something more important to do, or a better place to be.
Maybe I'm beating myself up over this for nothing. Maybe we were just never going to work out anyway. Perhaps, but it still nice to dream about what life would have been like if I was more patient and more understanding. Fuck it. Maybe if I was a nicer person too, because God knows I was horrible to him.
Don't you just love karma? The price I pay for my fuck up is a lifetime of singledom. It's fun to be alone.
MUSIC: "Why can't I?" - Liz Phair