|Behind Blue Eyes|
I don't really write in here anymore, but I'm feeling the need to vent tonight. Probably no one will read it but I need some form of release and haven't unpacked my other journal yet.
My brother is really sick and they aren't sure what's wrong with him. This has been going on for a month now, since he woke up paralyzed and had to go to the ER. At first he was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and they were treating him for that which got him mostly better, but two weeks later he got really bad again ... fatigued and weak and unable to move. He went to a specialist on Friday, who thinks he has MS. They're sending him for more tests this week.
It's been awful. He has been really worked up about it, and I'm sure his family has too. I moved back home on Saturday and my mom has been crying every day since. I haven't seen my dad since before this all happened but he's not taking it well either -- I guess he has just been drinking more than ever. Apparently he was wandering around the neighborhood drunk and crying when he first heard about my brother's first trip to the ER.
Obviously with anyone this would be hard news to take, but although MS is certainly treatable and most people get along okay, it will totally ruin my brother's lifestyle as he knows it. He's the most active person I know, playing sports at least once a week, and constantly playing with his two little kids and doing a lot of traveling. The guy who (two months ago) was playing racquetball, softball, and going rock climbing (all in one week) is now unable to walk around the block with his family because he is too tired. Yesterday I was on the phone with him and I heard his 3 year old daughter asking if he would go swimming with her yet, and he told her "Daddy just needs to sit down for a little." It broke my heart.
Now on to the selfish part. I hate having to be the strong one. All to often when something goes wrong in our family it seems like everyone is dependent on me. Mom has been crying, Dad keeps drinking, and that makes Mom cry more. And I have to be the one saying that everything will be ok. I'm getting sick of it, and I want someone to be there for me for once. It's extra hard being in the health field, because for one thing, I know more than I should about stuff. It's hard hearing his symtoms and not jumping to my own diagnoses. Also, everyone keeps coming to me for advice on it. That's not my area of expertise by any means, and maybe I can help to explain it a little, but I can't give any more answers that they can find on Google. It's a fine line. My brother asks me all these questions, and I try to answer what I can, the best that I can (truthfully and easier on him), and eventually he will stop me and tell me he doesn't want to hear any more.
I'm feeling really alone these last few days. Like I said, when is my turn to have someone around to comfort me. I'm a terribly selfish person for thinking this way, I know that my other family members are taking it much harder than me. I just can't always be the strong one. I'm breaking down on the inside, little by little. I can go all day reassuring everyone but I'm crying myself to sleep a little earlier each night. It's going to be two weeks till he even gets the test results back -- a really long two weeks. Sometimes I wonder how many people in my life are really there for me, people I can really count on. I'm not good at asking for help and that makes times like these harder.
****If anyone out there did happen to read this, please please please keep my brother in your prayers. I'm starting to lose hope at this point, but I'm clinging to what little I've got. No matter what happens, I hope it happens for the best.