|Perhaps the Light Is Shining|
Crevices formed from piles of blankets in the closet I inhabit. Safe between these claustrophobic forces limiting my body and mind. Free from harm in a mental cage I have built around myself. It has become physical and real because I can see it now.
I walk around with liberty to choose my path. To step forward, backward, or to the side. To move in any manner that I desire. Yet each day it gets a little harder to stand up. Each moment spent in motion deprives me of one more bit of energy.
As the number on the scale goes down, my body only feels heavier; larger. Like I am carrying a burden larger than who I am. The fact is that the burden is my body and who I am is only found within my mind.
Yet I appear thinner to everyone else. Perhaps physically that holds true, but my inner reality; my mind is thriving.
I have always been told beauty is on the inside, how come no one can see that by ridding myself of this body, I am letting the inside shine through. No longer superficial or shallow. Starvation leads to inner beauty not outer, for by the time you reach success, everyone else has already deemed you hideous.
I just want someone to hold me tight and tell me that they love me unconditionally. All I want is for someone to shove me away and tell me that they hate me and shall hate me forever.
I just want someone to tell me that the paradoxes in my head are not crazy.
You want to be crazy though. Deep inside all you want is to be crazy. NO. You do not want to be crazy. Deep inside all you desire is to be normal.
It is all a paradox. My mind. A battle and a game I cannot ever win or lose. Except I can achieve the truth.
The truth is that love from anyone who knows they are loving someone ill and who is killing themselves each day, is true love. Unselfish and unconditional love.
Deep inside that is all I want. For people to not abandon me.