|My So-Called Existence|
Something is changing in me..... so many things seem to be changing. First the usual things... the seasonal depression, the insomnia, late night mania, anxiety, stress... I've found 2 grey hairs in 2 weeks. These things I have come to expect....
In the past, I have always been overly co-dependent, needy, too quick to attach and throw my love at the nearest warm body... it wasn't healthy but I was used to it... even comfortable with it, if I could just find the right partner. Since Chad, things have been so messed up. I can't trust anyone... I feel like I can't feel anything other than sadness, melancholy, depression, regret, anger, annoyance... the dark end of the spectrum... I wonder is my Bipolar Disorder is shifting from One, to Two... can it do that?
Now I've become detached, unwilling to give into relationships that might become meaningful and rewarding. It's certainly not a conscious decision, mind you, but something from within, blocking the emotions from surfacing... maybe from even formulating. I pray this isn't a permanent affliction.
Jeremy and I have told each other that we love one another.... I usually think I mean it, but my slowness of heart is making me doubt my words. It's not the distance (we're 1,000 miles away from one another right now), nor do I believe I can do better... but something in me isn't ready to love at the capacity I've been loving for the past 6 years. Something has changed in *me*.
I don't know if all those drugs from early January to July.... those mood stabilizers, mood inhibitors, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, sedatives, anti-psychotics, neurological stabilizers, heart pills, the migraine medicine and whatever the hell else those idiot doctors put me on... if they've killed that beautiful part of me that felt true compassion, passion, love, joy... hope... the part of me that felt anything good...
Maybe it's all just working itself out of my system and I will be that same moody, unstable, passionate girl I remember being. I'd rather fight the manic episodes, the uncontrollable crying fits, and everything else... if I could just love the man who loves me... the way he deserves to be loved. Not halfheartedly, not falsely...
And still, it's that time of year where I have daily, hell, hourly thoughts pertaining to death, wishing I would be afflicted with some terrible disease so I could just whither away into nothingness... it's not that I'm suicidal... I just want life to hold meaning... or to release me from its feeble grasp.
Lord, give me strength.