I know it's been awhile since I've written, but people have failed me today, so I'll vent to the internet.

Last night I slept on my sister's spare bed in her room because I have had horrible back aches for the past few months and I just figured out it is because of my bed.  This morning, my mom and sister were trying to bring my mattress upstairs so they could replace it with my grandparents' newer and better mattress.  My sister couldn't lift it up the stairs, so my dad had to help my mom.  I went downstairs to get something from my room and my dad started screaming at me because my room isn't exactly clean.  I don't know how it escalated.  I know that I'm not entirely innocent, but I didn't directly insult my father nor did I threaten violence.

He called me a bitch twice then lunged at me, screaming, "Do you want to fight?!", and grabbed my wrists so I couldn't get away.  My mom was there, telling him to stop while I struggled to get a hand free so I could get my cell phone out of my pocket.  I managed to grab my phone and told my dad to back off or I was calling 911.  Lucky for me, it worked.  He said to me mom , "She started it!" like we are children and stomped upstairs.  Okay, I did grab a random lamp sitting that was sitting next to me when he started screaming at me.  I have an anger problem and I tend to have to squeeze an object when I get mad.  I always think about throwing what I'm holding, but I am almost always able to control myself - except for one time when I threw my bowl of cereal that I was eating after my mother pushed one of my most dangerous buttons (telling me that I'm going to end up in jail when I have a court case coming up) which I instantly regretted doing (I wanted to eat the cereal, not clean it up off the floor) and apologized.

I needed to talk to someone, so I called my boyfriend, Paul.  He was no help,  I talked to Lisa and she said that I could come with them to Petsmart and see her new puppies.  I wanted to see the puppies but I was in no mood to go out into the world after what had happened.  Robin was good to talk to, but she's in Delaware, so I couldn't go over to her house unless I want to drive 3 hours on a suspended license, risking my ass the whole way there and having to get back by 5:30pm tomorrow (now that I type it, it is a possibility...).

Paul had texted me that he could pick me up so when Lisa called me and said that she could pick me up I told her I had to see what's going on with Paul.  Then Paul said  he couldn't anymore because his friends showed up.  That caused a big fight since it seems his friends are more important to him than me.  And he did not get the seriousness of my situation.  I was stuck in the same house as my monster of a father.  I still am.

Lisa never called me back and when I texted her that Paul ditched me for his friends, she said I ditched her for Paul which wasn't exactly true because I was trying to still go see her and the puppies even if Paul had come to pick me up.  

My mom just came to my door and gave me my "sleeping pill" which is xanax and does not put me to sleep.  Maybe it will calm me down and make my head stop hurting.  This was a real shitty day.  I feel like I'm back in high school.  I want to move out asap.  So maybe when I'm feeling better I'll look for a well paying job and a place to move to.  I can't live like this anymore.