I put the cd "A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar" by Dashboard Confessional in my car even though it reminds me of everytime you came down here to visit me. It's amazing how much certain songs, or even full cds can bring back past memories and make them seem so real again.
I can pretend that the crisp morning air doesn't make me think of you while I'm walking to class. I can pretend that the clear starry nights don't make me wish I was standing in my backyard with you gazing at the stars trying to find the little dipper, which if you ask me doesn't really exist. I can pretend that I don't miss watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force with you and all of the nights we would spend doing nothing that made me realize how amazing life truly was. I can act like it didn't make my day everytime I would talk to you or hear from you and that I don't miss how much you would always make me laugh. I can tell myself that the cute little things you would always say weren't really that cute - even though I KNOW that they were. I can put on a smile and act like not talking to you isn't killing me inside. I can wear my sunglasses because I know it's my eyes that give away my pain. I can tell myself that the best three weeks I spent this summer weren't with you and that I didn't cherish every single second we were together...even though I did a lot more than you.
But I can't help it how I think of when we ran through the sprinklers that night and then the neighbors light came on. I can't help but laugh when I think of how you howled like a wolf at the moon and then you made me do the same. I have to think about how you tried so hard to teach me how to golf and told me to try to "chunk the grass" since I tended to swing and miss a lot. Or what about when I dumped water all over your bed? Well, I know you didn't think that was funny but I did. I can't help but remember how amazing it felt when you kissed my neck and held me close to you.
I'm so comfortable around you and I feel like I can be myself. I feel like I can laugh at all of the dumbest things because I think they are funny and you think that's alright. I feel like you would always pick me up after a rough day and that you thought my inperfections were okay.
I miss you. I can pretend all I want that I don't care but it doesn't work. I can pretend you weren't in my dream last night and that I don't think about you. I can act like all 946 songs on my ipod don't remind me of you in some way. I can tell myself that I don't sleep better when I sleep with your stuffed animal - but I do.
I have myself trapped in my own hopeless game. I'm trying to pretend to feel something I don't because I'm scared and I don't want to get hurt again. I feel the tears splashing down and it stings. I don't want to cause myself more pain or disappointment. I don't want to let you down because really, I don't think I'm as amazing as you say I am. I wish I was. I don't want to get all caught up in your lies and your truths because right now I don't know which is which.
Ironic. I know. I'm placing myself in my own lie. I feel like my world is a lie right now and this time I'm the one causing it. Trying to escape my lonliness and my thoughts of you but nothing works. I just want to give in and follow my heart but I don't know what is best for me right now because nothing is clear and the truth is something I can't see.
I feel blind and I'm scared. I just wish I could reach my hand out, have you grab it and show me the way. I wish it was all that simple and I wish I could go back to all those simple nights we spent in my basement where you took my breath away...
...because you still do it. You still take my breath away.