So it’s been a bit hectic moving back in with my Parents again. I worked very hard to re do my room to allow me to live in it comfortably again and also allow me to work on my music easily. My Parents house is in a mess, we’ve always been a messy family, but now my Parents are older and having to look after my Niece it’s hard for them to keep the place tidy. I am trying to help out but it just feels never ending.

So the title of this entry? Some of you may realise what it’s referring to. I guess now that I’ve hit my thirties the question does arise among us that: how low would you go? What is the youngest you would date? Divide by 2 and add 7. Generally I go for girls a year or two older on average. And the youngest has never been less than 5 years.

I pause to think.

OLDER: Susan, Debbie, Dido, The Queen of the Damned, Lawyer Girl, May…

YOUNGER: Pil, Ali, Sharpie…

Anyways that seems to be my general pattern. I met someone at work again, which is something I really should avoid doing as it just gets complicated when things go wrong. But it is something I can’t avoid; you’re trapped at work so long each day that it’s inevitable. What do I call this one? Time for an OD name! Am I jinxing things again by writing about it? Oh it goes wrong regardless of whether I write here or not.

So I am 31. 31 divided by 2 is 15 ½, plus 7 is 22 1/2 . Oh dear… She’s not even 22 yet. She’s 21 and her name is… Honey. There gave her an OD name it’s now a downward spiral now you’re gonna get entries detailing how this is all going to go fucked up wrong! Honey started working with us round the time of my birthday and to be honest I kinda of dismissed her as ‘just a kid’ and didn’t really think of her in that way at all. Ironic that she should matter so much now?

I guess she came to my attention when she, despite being the newbie in our team, would answer back my sarcastic quips. The funny thing is I never took notice of her. The thing that complicates it all is that one of my other teammates Jaffer did, despite being engaged and having a kid. At first I always thought that she liked him more than me. Nothing like a triangle situation eh?

So for weeks I was fighting the way I felt. She is too young. We have nothing in common, she has god awful taste in music but then again Susan liked Mariah Carey so it’s a small flaw I guess! It took a while but I finally admitted it to myself, I was fond of her. But I think it’s always been the way that her mind has always been between me and Jaffer.

The worse thing is that I am being cock blocked by Jaffer. I am not joking. This isn’t the first time this happened to me in this office. I never really wrote about me and Sharpie this other girl (who actually happens to be round the same age) and how I ended up in a stupid situation where me and Sol were competing over her. I have to admit that he clearly won that battle; I graciously accepted defeat early and was actually more concerned with me and Susan at that time.

It is quite astonishing really to what lows guys in offices will sink to when competing over girls. Usually they are involved in relationships in which they are clearly not 100% happy and think that’s an excuse to continually try to get their dick out of their pants. Sol would drag Sharpie away from me and then throw a hissy fit when (this sounds bizarre but it actually happened) someone handed me a guitar in a pub and ask me to play and Sharpie was listening! It gets really annoying when greedy fuckers like this have to be the big elephant that shits on my parade! Just go home and fucking talk through your problems with your girlfriend, or dump her, or get fucking neutered if you can’t handle it! Or learn to masturbate properly!

Jaffer’s Top Ten of Cock Blocking
1. When me and Honey were talking once he interrupted me by passing me papers that weren’t even mine.
2. When me and Honey are going home the same way, he goes out of his way so that we don’t end up on our own. This one really really really fucks me off.
3. If me and Honey are talking normally he has a sulk in an effort to get attention, generally he doesn’t like it if me and her are getting along.
4. He tries to make me look stupid in front of everyone by pulling out mistakes I have done only to make himself look stupid when I point out there is no mistake.
5. He makes snide, bitchy comments sometimes but then ends up looking stupid when I reply back with something funny.
6. He tries to stir up problems between me and Honey. He is in a good mood if we’re not good.
7. Doesn’t leave for lunch when he’s meant to so that he can be there with me and Honey.
8. Tries to outdo me, as in if he sees me leaving post-it notes on her desk he will do the same.
9. Gets ultra possessive with her to the point it’s embarrassing, I showed her something on my ipod and he was like ‘oh are you trying to convert her to your kind of music, cause I want to be able to post videos on her facebook still!’ Oh I am not joking. I was like FFS she can listen to whatever the hell she wants, I wouldn’t want her to change on my account.
10. Growing a moustache for attention just because I was for Movember!

This guy is freaking 36 and doing this! Now I am not short sighted, she encourages him. And she used to play us off against each other but it never worked as I never played ball. I could sense this was happening so I backed off. And then she didn’t like this so I started doing it even more, stopped going lunch with her. It was just like being at school again, and Jaffer played his part to make things worse. Then one week she was making a really big effort with me to go lunch with me again. I was still being a bit aloof but kind of happy she was making that effort.

This next thing really is childish. One day she could see I was stuck on the phone and Jaffer then said he was going to lunch and I got annoyed cause she just dumped me and went lunch with him. So I then went around the whole team and surrounding teams giving them all Christmas cards except for her. I then went off for lunch before she returned so that she would come back from lunch and see everyone got a card except her. I know it was so childish but I was pissed off and spurned! When I came back in first thing she did was say she was really sorry for going off without me. This was too late and I started not talking to her properly again.

For the next day I made sure that everyone else in the unit had their cards except her. She was really upset over it. Then what happened was bizarre, I nearly choked on a piece of donut and she came over to see that I was okay. It was so stupid but it helped break the ice between us and kind of made me realise that she does care. I gave her Christmas card in the end, with a special insert, a JLS post card with a white flap over the J that said ‘GEIGH’.

The run up to Christmas was nice. Our Xmas Party was good, she sat with me mostly and talked to me more than Jaffer. I know it’s bad to kind of think you’ve out trumped a guy but it felt nice that I was winning. So I did it. The Friday before Christmas Eve I asked her out. I bit the bullet. I thought it would remove all doubt from my head but to be honest it didn’t. Her and Jaffer will always be at the back of my mind.

I said:
‘I just wanted to say… I like you… And I do care… And if you feel the same way… Can we… er go out for dinner or something?’

There was a pause where I thought she was going to say no but she said:

‘We can have dinner… in the New Year…’

That is good right?!?!? I have been analysing that answer again and again. Little victories are good…

BUT

So we returned to the office in the new year and I felt like… The vibe had gone off between us. I haven’t mentioned us going out yet. I have been feeling jealous of the attention she gives Jaffer. The voices in my head have been talking and now I am kicking myself. Okay so this is something I can rectify. Oh wait shit I did something else stupid.

I THREW A HISSY FIT OVER SUSAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER

Yes I am that much of a moron. I haven’t heard anything from Susan for nearly a year. I am totally clueless as to what happened at her end with us. I was ready to go out for work doo when all of a sudden someone mentioned that she was coming. This threw my head into total chaos that I actually didn’t bother going and went for a seriously long walk through the streets of London. It was probably an overreaction but I did the right thing in not going. I was annoyed that I thought I was moving on and then totally unexpectedly I am thrown into thinking about her again.

The next day at work I was visibly upset, I couldn’t help it. Well I sent Susan a message for closure and then I felt better. Now I feel like I’ve messed up the present because the past came bit me in the arse. I really am annoyed at myself for letting Susan matter again for a few days. Have I now messed up things with Honey? By acting moody, having a hissy fit over a previous girl, and not mentioning us going out have I messed up? I think I have.

I’ve taken a few days off work as I’ve felt a bit stressed out and I am trying to muster up enough courage so that when I go back in I can fix this thing. And I hope that it’s not too late. If it is I will be disappointed, after all this to have nothing would be a shame.
The lesson: Never let the past fuck up the present.