There is something else going on to apart from my situation with Mac. I am chain smoking myself to death as I feel so stressed out. While I was away in Nepal I ended up in some village where the electricity went out for hours and my hotel room was way too hot. So what do you do to pass the time in complete darkness in the courtyard of a hotel you are staying in? Chain smoke! So my smoking has passed from the realm of occasional, social and accompanying a drink or two over to the realm of sober. I haven’t smoked like this since my final exams at university.

I came back from my travels (surprisingly jet lagged!) and was sat down by my Mother for some news. She maybe having angina pains and will be having an angiogram. I know it’s the kind of thing where you shouldn’t really start worrying till the actual angiogram results but it’s still quite worrying. In fact I will be going with her tomorrow.

She hasn’t had any really bad angina pains yet, so hopefully no heart attack risk at the moment but I know my Mum doesn’t lead a very active lifestyle; her only real exercise is looking after my Niece when my Sister goes to work. So I hope tomorrow goes okay.

I have left the situation with Mac at the moment as this is more important for me to be there for my Family, and I can’t deal with any more stress at the moment. She is covering me at work tomorrow; I had to check that was still happening through the medium of email even though we sit diagonally opposite each other. She took today off and frankly it was a relief. I’m giving her a few days to think whatever it is and cool down; if there is anything to cool down because she could just be plain feeling awkward with me and I got it totally wrong about her ever feeling anything ever for me. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what is in her head with regard to me now. I am just very worried that our friendship is wrecked and we will never talk again.

My actual work isn’t actually stressful funnily enough even though I am on disciplinary. I am doing some new thing that is piss easy and I am flying through it so I guess that’s good. It’s boring as fuck though. The powers that be said I couldn’t take tomorrow off as dependency leave, so I am working on Saturday in lieu. Fuckers! I am going to diss them in my leaving speech good and proper.

With great timing my Sister is feeling depressed again. She is umming and erring over taking medication. This is like the 3rd time she has been offered it. And hearing about it is getting annoying. I almost lost it and said ‘just take the fucking pills already!’

My Dad is being ultra annoying. He just moans and goes on about the most obscure irrelevant things. I keep telling him to chill out for my Mum’s sake but he won’t listen! It’s like living with Grandpa Abe Simpson! Shit does that mean I have started to resemble Homer?

It’s annoying that my Family cannot hold shit together when a tough time comes. I constantly feel like I am the one having to keep it together. They can’t even order a fucking pizza without me! When I got my own life to sort out I feel a bit burdened. I am unable to focus on this with all this stress and worry at the moment.

Wow I don’t think I’ve vented in this diary like this for years! It feels good!