I hadn't thought about this site for at least a year. When I was in high school, OD (as my circle called it) was a staple of my existence. Seven years ago, I would faithfully pour my feelings into my keyboard for the entire world to read. My friends and I would inevitably find out about each other's accounts, so this is the third or fourth name I've used on this site. How silly.
I've been thinking quite a bit about the past, about all of the versions of my life there were and might have been. All the friendships gained and lost, the hard times, the great ones, the loves and infatuations (I use the word love loosely; I have greater than average affection for people but less than average attachment).
Finally I am in a serious relationship, and I'm somewhat surprised that I allowed any guy to stick around this long. Former versions of me would not have allowed any one person to be so much of a part of my life. I refer to versions because of the total lack of consistency in my behaviors and attitudes regarding relationships. I am in love, real love, for the first time. It's comforting and it's fun and I love having a worthy companion. I love falling asleep next to him at night and waking up next to him in the morning, and hugging someone just because without it being awkward. And I've been happy with him, we are rooming together next school year (as in two bedrooms, not sharing one), which I'm looking forward to.
But lately I've been especially nostalgiac. Everyone has that "one that got away." I have a couple of them, both of whom are completely and entirely wrong for me, but they keep popping into my head. I wonder how they are doing, but I don't want to look shady by getting into contact with old flames when in a serious relationship. I know it's notmal to still be attracted somewhat to other people too, but there is one guy I can't escape. I had a dream the other day that he kissed me, and in the dream I really wanted it to happen, but stopped and said I couldn't do it to my boyfriend. Now the way that I am, when I have a dream of a sexual or romantic nature about someone, even if I was not previously attracted to them, it is pretty much unavoidable that I develop some sort of sexual attraction and have an extremely difficult time shaking the feeling. So the guy adds me on facebook today, and we had quite an interesting exchange of words earlier as well.
I think I might just be sexually frustrated. We haven't had a lot of alone time lately, and stress is high in my life.
I am being silly, I know. It's my moody time of the month.