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| Postmarked in december of last year I really hope you're doing better All of your friends close by your side One step closer to recovery I wish there was something i could say To erase each and every page that you've been through Even though its not my place to save you I appreciate but can't accept this thank-you note Thats sealed with your last breath I won't stand aside and listen to you give up If you'll just hold on for one more second Just hold on to what you have If you'll just hold on, just hold on You will wake up tommorrow These arms remain stretched out to you Maybe someday you'll accept them Or maybe its too late to save a young girls heart that's long stopped beating Wake up, wake up you've gotta believe Wake up, wake up you cant give up Time keeps going on without us Long after we're dead and gone I wish there was something i could say To erase each and every page You've been through Even though its not my place to save you I appreciate but can't accept this thank-you note Thats sealed with your last breath I won't stand aside and listen to you give up If you'll just hold on for one more second Just hold on to what you have If you'll just hold on, just hold on You will wake up tommorrow i don't know what to say. i don't understand how things can change this quickly. i was staying at my aunts because my cousins are down for half term, and they asked me to. everyone was in bed, but i stayed up. i wondered around aimlessly, and inexplicably collapsed on the kitchen floor and began having an anxiety attack. there didn't appear to be a cause. i can't remember what i was thinking. i couldn't breath. i don't like it when things get this way. i don't even have a good enough reason for them to be happening. the night before and after my english exam, i smoked a spliff out my window. i think it was laced with coke or some sort of pill, i don't know. but i put on whale music to try and calm myself down because i was stressing out, and laying there in bed was euphoric. images were filtering through my head that i'm sure i recognised, but i'm certain i've never seen before. they were weird... like an old computer game sort of style. but these images were going round and the sounds were, indesribable. although my heart was beating uncontrolably fast, and my breathing was short and irregular, i knew there was nothing i could do about it - and it just added to the effect of things. i've never felt that was before in my life. i'd give anything to go to sleep that way every night. and i just thought, how nice it would be to have sex when feeling that way. relationship stuff is weird. theres this guy who's asked me out and wants to meet up and stuff. i've known him for a while. but he's kinda a drop out, druggy sort of guy. not really headed anywhere. and while i know i'm almost exactly the same, i don't know how i'd deal with that sort of thing. i don't know how old he is... older than me... around 18? but i dunno... it's weird and i don't know what to do. i ignore his calls. i can't stop stressing out about exams. all i can concentrate on is how badly i'm going to fail. i was so rushed for time in english lit, and i'm paranoid that i answered the question wrong or wrote about nonsense. ::sigh:: i don't know what to do anymore. revision doesn't seem to have an effect. while i do learn stuff, i just feel like it won't ever be enough, and whatever i have learnt will be useless when it comes to it. i guess everyone feels this way. i did a test after reading it on another diary. it's called "do i need therapy?" results: You show strong signs of substance abuse. You show strong signs of substance dependence. You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be a product of many different disorders, both mental and physical. See a psychiatrist for further diagnosis. You appear to have experienced at least one major depressive episode. You appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts. You show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder. You appear to be suffering from Bulimia. Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode. Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder. You meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, but your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria. You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia. You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia. You display some symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but you do not appear to meet the full criteria for the disorder. You experience some symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. You experience some symptoms of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. i was doing well with purging. since being on my version of atkins, i hadn't done it at all for about 5 days, which is the longest for a few months. but i ate until i was more than full and panicked and had to purge. done it twice in a week though, which isn't so bad. i was losing on the diet, i'd lost 5lbs in 4 days, but i seem to have gained, though i'm not counting it because i had just drank a lot of water and eaten. any excuse. i'll weigh myself tomorrow morning to find out whats going on. all i want to do is lose weight. my aunt made me laugh. "but she's almost anorexic!" suuure... this is coming from someone who has been overweight all her life and is fine with it. that sounded bitchy/discriminative. i didn't mean it like that, its just we have completly different views on weight. theres no way i'm anorexic anyway. i'd have to lose like 40lbs to be considered anorexic, and i don't have any of the criteria. so there.
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