I am hurting today. 

It is Father's day. I live in the city my dad lived in when he was alive. I moved here on the 12th anniversary of his death. Now I am here and I can't spend Father's day with him. He should be here. He should have lived past 38 years. He should be here for me to talk to when I need him. He isn't and I can't change that. I can't bring him back. All I want is to be spending the day with him. I want to see his eyes twinkle when he is teasing me about something. When he chucks his finger under my chin so he can make me look down and then tap my nose on the way up. I want him to make me one of his hamburgers that are so big I can only eat a third of it. I want him to look at me and my hamburger and tell me he makes them that big so he can eat his and eat mine. I want him to take me horse back riding and teach me to shoot. I want to be in his wild and know what I am doing because he taught it to me. I don't know any of this because he died. He went and died on me!

I just dont get how it happened. It's been 12 years and I have never cried like this. I've never grieved like this. I have never felt his loss like this. I am falling apart. Today I need my Dad. I need him to tell me I have what it takes to do this life well. And I need him to tell me that he loves me and supports me and my decisions. I need to hear him tell me he is proud of me. I need him to tell me he will always be here for me. I need him to give me a hug and wrap his arms around me. I need to just be able to call him just to say, "Hey Dad, I love you." 

I robbed myself of that opportunity. I knew something was going to happen the week before he was killed. I don't know how but I knew. I set my alarm to wake up at 430am to call him just to tell him I loved him and then my alarm went off and I decided I was too tired. He was killed a week later. I have not slept in since that day. Not once. I gave my last opportunity to tell him I loved him and hear him say it back away for a few more hours of sleep. 

I just don't have words for today. I hurt.