I just dont want to forget.
Our first kiss. Where he gave me a light touch on my lips as he walked down my front porch steps. The luminous look that became part of my eyes as I bit my lip after he left and found his taste.
The car my auntie gave me. He tells me to put it in neutral so he can push it out of the garage and charge it for me. The next day when my car won't start again he comes to get me and takes me to his house so he can take the battery out of my car while he charges it. His dad tells me if I need to replace the battery to come see him at work because he can get it for me at cost. The two of them are taking care of me. He takes the battery out of my car, then closes the hood and pressure washes my car for me. Then he vacuums out the inside. I tell him I am not used to people doing things for me and its followed by a little smile and a wink from him.
They take me out shooting with them. They shoot 300's and 308's and then pull out a 6.5 and tell me it's my turn. He teaches me how to hold the rifle. Tells me to keep my finger off the trigger until I am ready to pull and then stands behind me as I pull the trigger. The first two times the gun 'misfired.' Find out later that his dad forgot to put powder in when he made the bullets. Third time I hit my target and he lets me keep the little Norma brass shell thing. He tells me eventually he will have me shooting 308's with him but first I need to shoot enough so that I don't squeal and flinch every time I pull the trigger. I tell him I will get there. His dad and him laugh at me when I run squealing from some giant bug that was chasing me and when a beetle flies and lands straight on my glasses. I tell them to give me time and I will handle the bugs like second nature. I hope they don't see me run from the butterfly that was chasing me.
Those moments where we sit on the couch and watch a movie. His hands rubbing my lower back mine playing with the trail of hair on his lower tummy. Eventually my hand finds his and I am squeezing it as hard as I can trying to 'hurt' him. He laughs and barely squeezes mine and I start to squirm. Brute strength, I tell you. I find out that if I tickle him while I am squeezing I can distract him a little and have more of a chance. it is a split second chance though and soon I'm back to recognizing I am no match for him. But I am and will always keep trying.
He teaches me to drive the standard I just got. I know how but it has been a long time. Apparently I ride my clutch but I am learning how not to. He drives my car and shifts without a clutch. Show off. Sexy show off.
We make dinners together. He cooks the meat, I cook the veggies and it's natural and right. I like my life so far. I like him even more.
He laughs at me when I talk to my car as I drive. I named her Buster-Lee. It suits her. I need to pick up duct tape today so I can tape the lights to the ceiling. They are hanging down by wires. Buster-Lee.
This is just a taste of our time. I love these moments. I am terrified though. There is still the part of me that is scarred by my ex. The part of me that wonders what he sees in me and why he is still here. The part of me that wonders when the other shoe will drop and it will all be over. The part of me that worries he will wonder what he is doing with me?
It is this part of me that takes me to counselling. I don't know how to not feel these things but I do know how to not let them rule me. I will keep moving forward. I will keep enjoying these moments. i will talk when I need to so I can sort out the messy thoughts and then I will recognize I am quality. I have something to offer him and he sees it. Either he will continue to see it or he won't. Either way I am moving forward. I would like it to be with him.