most of the change
we think we see
in life
is due to truths being
in and out of favour
       ...robert frost

i seem to have lost my creative spark for sometime now, and part of me wonders if it has had anything to do with the jack of hearts leaving town (did you know that they make wedding invitations that are designed to be like face cards of the king and queen of hearts? that's hysterical to me).  i've come to accept where i am in life as a result of the choices i've made and in doing so i've realized that for the first time in 3 years i am truely happy.

i can listen to death cab and iron&wine without crying.
i've fallen more in love with satre after reading huis clos.
i have a new-found appreciation for leopard print.
i'm okay with the fact that i've "fallen behind" (bush).
i'm starting to like some country music, but lonestar's "front pourch lookin' in" will forever make me laugh.
better than ezra has written the soundtrack to this chapter of my life.
mississippi won't be that bad the second time around.
patron isn't so awful that i won't try it at least once.
i still love staring at the stars.

now, in an attempt to further my understanding of my insantity i look to an ulikely source:  robert frost.  though by no means my favorite (that honor belongs solely to kurt vonnegut who is currently unstuck in time and will eventually return to this chapter of his life), i have become quite fascinated by the poem the black cottage.  truth is only what we allow ourselves to see.  it's individual just like any other feeling.  being "locked away" from the world has forced me to realiize that i've allowed myself to grow up much more than i ever could have imagined was possible.  it's never easy letting go.  but in all honesty, i've never changed who i was.  a breaking point came.  a poor excuse.  a meaningless letter.  i realized that it was never meant to be.  we cannot continue to lie to ourselves and endlessly try to force the intricate puzzle pieces to mesh.  it's easy to blame everyone else for changing, but people are who they are for a reason.  i feel arrogant for calling it weakness and i know that's not the right word i want, but it's what comes to mind.  i saw what i wanted to see, we all did.  i'm not sad we didn't realize it earlier.  those parts of eachother that fit worked superfically and served a purpose.  everything happens for a reason.  that doesn't change, even if we wanted it to.  i'm okay with accepting that we are apart, it's allowed me to find out who i am behind all the philosophical bullshit.  and if that means you believe i sold my soul to live in reality, so be it.  pick sides, i've already chosen my battles.  i'm comfortable saying that i can look back on my decisions and i'm more than satisfied.  leaving that night was the best choice we ever made.   i'll always love you because you've never changed.

signed,
"sincerely, me"
(bte)