|Sweet & Sexy|
Ugh. This time of year sucks. It's cold, it's snowy, it's cloudy, it's grey...it's just plain out depressing. It makes me lonely and needy. It makes me want to lock myself away from everybody and hide in my little room. It makes me want to cry...to scream...to do something crazy. It just makes any negative feeling that I happen to be feeling about 10 times worse.
And on top of all that, I still miss that boy. Damn it, he's just a boy. So why can't I get him out of my head? Why do I take everything so freakin' personally when it comes to him? I feel like I'm being dangled on a thread and eventually he'll make a choice. He'll eventually decide he doesn't want me at all or he'll decide he wants to try it again when he's ready. I know that I'm the one holding on and that he's perfectly fine about this in general, or at least more fine than I am, but how can you let go of something/someone that is as amazing as this boy is?
I am so freaking pathetic. And I'm tired of this stupid game. I beg and I plead with someone who doesn't want me. Who loves me but doesn't want to commit to that love in any way shape or form though it has to exist somewhere. He doesn't want a title, he doesn't want me to expect anything out of him but what do you expect out of the people who say they love you? There are expectations there. To love someone is to say that they are special to you, that they are above the average, that they deserve special recognition on some level. But you can love in several different ways. You love friends, you love family, you love boyfriends/girlfriends. When he says he loves me, I don't think he's referring to I love you as just a friend, at least not yet. And I'm certainly not related to him so the only way I can believe he means it is in a romantic boyfriend/girlfriend type of way. So what do I expect? I guess, to put it as simply as I can, I expect to receive what I give. And I don't feel like I do. What I mean by that is, I love him. I love him more than anyone. Because I love him, I ask him how his day was, if he's feeling down I try to cheer him up or at least give him an ear to listen to. I do nice things for him just because I want to see him smile. I want to spend time with him, so I invite him to hang out, to watch a movie, play pool, whatever I can afford or, depending on weather and such, we can feasibly do. And yes, he does some of that, I can't say he ignores me or anything of the like but it doesn't feel like he loves me. Tonight was terrible as well. I feel like he's hiding me. Like I'm some dirty little secret that he doesn't want to let out of the bag. I mean for god's sake, he wouldn't give me even the smallest of kisses because "Frank was right there". He made me wait until Frank had pulled out. WTF?! Like Frank even fucking cares. So honestly, what am I doing? Why am I allowing myself to be put through this? Because I keep hoping, like a naive child, that if I want something bad enough and I am patient enough that he'll see me standing here with tears in my eyes and my arms held out just waiting to embrace him.
There are just times, and I blame the recent extremity of it on the season and weather and such, that I feel like I just don't matter to him. That I'm just this obnoxious, needy girl who wants to be with him, who sees him as the most amazing man to ever come into her life, and who refuses to let go. I feel like I'm a nuisance. *cries* I wish he hadn't been so good to me. I wish he weren't so pretty, or smart. I wish he had just left me alone. I wish he would just tell me to fuck off and that we'll never be together again. Too bad if he actually did that right now, I wouldn't believe him.
I wish I were stronger. I wish I weren't such a fool. I wish I had never been so naive to think that I could be so lucky. I wish I could forget. I wish you were just a boy. Just a stupid boy who did stupid things, who didn't matter. Because that way, you never would have been able to do this to me.