i haven't been a very good girl this year. I haven't been very bad, either, really, though there are times when I have wished I was capable of being naughtier, but the angel on my shoulder usually wins out for whatever reason.

We're broke-ass, so we're not really exchanging gifts this year. We didn't put up a tree. We didn't put up lights. I haven't hung a wreath on the door.  I'm not asking for anything and I'm not buying anything. I got some needed dental work done and he got a couple of expensive prescriptions to help with the neuropathy and gut issues this month, and we're going to fly to visit his elderly grandparents for the holidays using standby passes so we're flying back on Christmas day, proper so we can hae a snowball's chance in hell of actually making it on our flight.

Point is, we've spent our money where it needed to be spent and I don't regret it, and we still need more money for rent and COBRA before month's end. So it's not like this "Christmas List" is something I'm telling anyone about, or asking anyone for. It's like, the frivolous stuff I selfishly want and would be too embarrassed to actually admit I want.  I just, y'know, thought I would write it down somewhere, just in case there's any truth to that whole edgar cayce writing-things-down-to-manifest-them thing. *lol* as if.

I kinda want... okay, no, I really want, and have wanted for over a year: a bottle of Vera Wang "Princess" perfume (though I would settle for her spicier sister fragrance "Rock Princess", or even better, a small bottle of both). And TJ Maxx /Marshall's/Ross always seems to have a really good price on it, I just... can never justify buying it for myself.

Why do I like it? Well... I was wandering in an antique store one time, and I came across this silver tray full of empty "antique" perfume bottles. They were all really pretty, and I thought I would smell them, even though they were empty, just out of curiosity to see if there was any scent left. I sniffed most of them and some were musty, some empty and clean-no scent left- some smelled like a grandmother's perfume, and then-- then I picked up this unlabeled bottle and took off the lid and smelled it-- and it was like 0_0! Wow! I think my pupils dilated and I couldn't put the bottle down. It was so full of multi-layered notes- some sweet, some spicy, some floral, but not TOO floral... I kept finding new hints of scents laced through it, like it was telling a story. Whatever it was, it didn't smell "old ladyish" at all-- it smelled... complex, but fresh. Youthful, but not immature. Feminine, but not heavy.  I had no idea what it was, but I wished I could find some modern day perfume like this. The front label was gone, but when I turned the bottle upside down, there was that tiny manufacturer's sticker that still read: Princess, by Vera Wang.

I've wanted it ever since. Gosh that must have been almost 2 years ago, or maybe more.  Now, I know what you're thinking, but I totally fell in love with this scent before I knew what it was called, or who made it, before I'd even realized this wasn't an "antique" bottle but in fact some modern-produced scentI could just buy off the shelf in a department store.  But the awesome part about it being called "Princess" is that I try hard to live up to the standards of my inner 6 year old, because I was an awesome 6 year old with a heart of rainbow fire and an imagination that could fuel nuclear reactors.  And what little girl didn't want to be a princess? I mean part of me always will, I'm not gonna lie. I think Panther really doesn't like this about girls in general (though in all truth, he doesn't have much to complain about with me because I'm a pretty low maintenance machine. I don't go for manicures and pedicures and I'm not like, a girly girl at all. I'm probably more of a tomboyish punk ass bitch, in all fairness. But I still like to imagine sometimes that I'm a secret princess and I'm just going through all these trials and tribulations to test and refine my character, because, uh... I'm a dork. And also it makes life less painful and more humorous/interesting when I have silly narrative inside my head.) But he never read "A Little Princess" growing up. And I feel like there's a big difference between the modern slang definition of "princess", which can be a negative thing, indicating a spoiled, bratty, selfish rich girl (I went to school with so many of those bitches, ugh.), and my definition of "princess", which comes, of course, from places like Grimm's Fairy Tales and Arabian Nights. In those stories, the 'princess' or female protagonist is usually the one going through some terrible fate, trapped or cursed, forced into hiding, living as a commoner to save her brothers or her family or protect the royal bloodline or whatever, or married to someone cruel, or kidnapped by pirates, or whatever, you know, she's just this girl suffering through some crucible, and it's her wits and her resourcefulness and her kind heart and purity of soul that always get her through, and at the very end she gets vindicated because she held out and stuck to her values, you know? The good prince finally recognizes that swan in the backyard is actually a cursed princess, or she outwits [insert witch or evil magical being here] with her good-heartedness and common sense, and the spell is broken and her people are saved and there is much rejoicing, etc. and so forth. I don't think of a Princess as someone who sits in a castle being pampered. I think of a Princess as a daring adventuress, who gets tossed around  by fate and somehow manages to bear it all with grace, whether anyone ever sees her in her true form or not.

Besides, if I can't feel like a princess for 30 seconds in my bathroom before going out in the world and feeling how big and ugly and freakish I am to all the "normal people", I mean, when can I, right?

The thing is, for all my shaved green mohawk badassery I... am kind of a secret softie for traditional romantic things. Mostly because it's so rarely done in my life or my social crowd. I actually like getting roses and stuff like that, I just never expect it and never think to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I think I'd die if a man ever bought like an honest to god brand new diamond anything, or you know, even like real gemstone (sapphire, ruby, emerald, whatever) anything (there's a real diamond chip we had set into my pawn shop wedding ring, but it's not like... a diamond people notice. And I mean that's okay, the ring has sentimental value to me. I just. like some guys buy diamond ear studs or necklaces for their ladies. Panther will never be that guy. He hates diamonds in general and thinks they're so impersonal. I think... there is one thing to be said for buying your woman an expensive, classy present, and that is... it shows her that she's worth some sacrifice. It's a very endearing, protective, romantic notion, and to the woman who doesn't expect it, you know, I mean... it's one thing to give a diamond to a girl who just takes it as a given that she "deserves" it or some crap like that. But if you give it to a girl who doesn't have much nice in her life, that's, kinda different, you know? it can make her view herself with a little more esteem or something. Or... shit, well I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm not asking for a $5000 diamond, I'm just secretly wishing for a $50 bottle of perfume. 

Besides, Vera Wang is classy. And even though I'm poor, I like to pretend I can be classy... you know, like if we went out to a nice dress-up dinner or the theater or something. Not that we ever really do. So it's not like I need this perfume for any damn reason. Which is why I'm not going to ask for it.