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What's so different about this summer compared to last is that I no longer feel the need to gain acceptance. I am who I am, and that's all, and I'm happy with that. I know how good I am as a pianist, I know what I can and can't do, and I don't feel like I need to prove myself. I no longer want to gain a new theatre family, as I did when I was younger & acting in this theatre; I have my husband and my parents, and any other family is just icing, not necessary for my sanity. I no longer crave acceptance; I love who I am, and I know Ryan loves who I am, and that's all I need, instead of hoping for every other person to love me and want to hang out with me as well.
Of course, this also makes it more annoying, because suddenly I know how much I'm worth, and it's more than these people realize. I came home for dinner in the middle of our 10 hours of rehearsal today, looked at my parents over dinner, and said, "They're not paying me enough for this shit." Somehow, I think that's become my motto. They are not paying me enough for this shit -- the contract states $1000 for services rendered, which works out to be about $6 an hour -- and I know it. If they call me again next year, that's exactly what I'll tell them, and I'll feel confident about it.
Being away from Ryan hasn't been as bad as I'd thought it would be. I've been busy with rehearsals, and then I come home in the evening and we video chat. Since we both have iPhones this summer, it doesn't matter that I don't have service at my parents' house: we can message & call over wifi. I got to spend Friday evening through Sunday morning in Lawrence, and he came out for Sunday evening and all of Monday, so we had several nights in a row together this weekend. It was really lovely. And I spent time with his family, which is always lovely (Laura had a lovely baby shower! I'm so excited to meet her in a few months!), and he got to spend time with my parents, which has just been so much fun lately. It's really nice that every time my parents and Ryan see each other, they become more and more friendly. Someday they will be a real family.
We open in 3 days, and next week I'll have more time to do the things I want to do, like show you pictures and go to the pool and sleep more.
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Yes, pictures. Always pictures.
You want to come over this weekend and go to the pool with me? [((brilliant))]
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5/30/2012 11:16:01 AM
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That's my girl! I think this past year was just divinely good to you in the way it showed you how much you are worth, and girl? It's a LOT.
Plus, you can't beat the win of getting to spend part of the summer at home, soaking up the nostalgia and extra parent time! [aglow]
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5/30/2012 6:25:16 PM
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And don't forget hang out with me again! :D hehe [love/]
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5/30/2012 9:03:26 PM
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There's something so liberating about knowing you're invaluable. It's nice to know what you want and what matters and knowing that every thing else can get a big Eff You. Such a great feeling.
I love that you believe that "someday they will be a real family." That's beautiful.
and in the same vein,
re: I thoroughly enjoy the fact that your note referenced the fact that not one but two separate people should "suck it" if they don't agree, and I echo those sentiments wholeheartedly. You're awesome, Laura. [pandemonium's box]
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6/1/2012 3:47:05 AM
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ryn// Me too me too me too! I was going to buy the shoes the other day and went, "Damn, maybe I should wait and ask for them for my birthday." And I'm trying to come up with DVDs I want, but I can't really think of any. I'm going to ask for money, too, because that's what I really need, but my grandmother is about the only person in my family who likes giving money. :-/ [((brilliant))]
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6/4/2012 8:36:12 PM
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