|Captain Pete's.. Captain's Log|
There's a reason I don't like to talk about my past. When I do, because I remember just about everything ever, I go back to that time.
My work is having some serious legal issues. Very serious. I'm not directly involved, but it makes me angry, to read the lies people tell to make themselves feel better. Turn themselves from the villain into the hero.
I notice that a lot of 'counter-culture' people do this. They lie to themselves. They say that what they do is okay, that everyone lies but them. They're no better than the culture they pretend to be different from.
It's pathetic. Sad. If you're a bad guy, admit it and enjoy it. If you're a good guy, revel in it and know what you are. No one's perfect, so we're not all demons and angels, but we all do bad things. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We do it, when we can get away with it. It's how we are. I still believe that people are inherently greedy. We're just needy animals with less hair.
I'm not as angry as I once was. In my younger days, I hated everything. I know that finding friends helped. Finding love, or what I thought was love, helped even more. But, I lost those things. I can't tell you when I lost my friendships, but it happened as we grew up. I know what made me fall out of love. Many, many reasons. And, I lied about them. Who doesn't? I felt guilty, but I felt like I had no choice.
No more of this. I am aware of my flaws, and I will be upfront about them. I know the mistakes I've made, and I will admit them. I'm not perfect, I don't try to be. I just want to be me again. To re-connect with myself. To remember that I'm an okay guy.
When people give me compliments, I feel uncomfortable. Always have, always will. When I'm given a compliment, I either don't believe it (especially when it comes to my looks) or I feel good. For about a second. Then I doubt it. And I question why this person is telling me this. What's their agenda?
When did I become this distrustful? Who knows. Pretty sure it's always been there.
I just need to relax, unwind. Feeling better now, but I'll end up playing a video game to get the violence out. It always helps. A nice, safe way to let it out.
Until next time, space cowboys.