My head is messed up due to lastnights unexpected brew,Davy is gone and I miss him more than I ever thought imaginable. He is living his life in Queens,New York and I always imagined we would be together for more than our 3 and 1/2 years. I spent Christmas with him in Queens and I could barely enjoy myself wondering would it be our last kiss,hug,cuddle,joint,drink,laugh as one.He was coming home but then decided not to at the last minute. As we hugged and kissed he promised he would be home in a month,it has been more than a month and I know he wont be back. My brother,who stayed an extra two days in New York,told me Davy could not be found after we said goodbye. Eventually my brother found him wiping away tears with his hand at a different end of JFK. He did not talk to anyone that night. I cried silently for in between bouts of sleep on the 8 hr flight.I try to keep busy with college and being with mates but its when I go back to Renmore,where my house is,that I lie in bed watching TV feeling extremely alone. I need him back,it has been almost 5 months and I cant love him any less. I only realised that I cannot really remember what it was like to be competely content and happy in myself and I think I only had that when I was with him. I cry for little or no reason,I have never really been emotional but lately its fucked up how much things upset me inside. Inside....Nobody  knows that I cry myself to sleep every night.

There is/was a really really cute guy around for a while. We were with each other about 6/7 nights.He is a friend of one of my friends John and I fancied him as soon as I saw him. He does not like to text,but he texted me quite a bit. Ive been with guys who are sweet talkers,I learned it the hard was with alot of them but he honestly seemed genuinely pleased that Davy was not coming home... But since last Thursday when I was last with him,I havent heard from him. I think too much about what I might have said/what way I acted because he was keen beforehand. He was in John's lastnight when I called over and we talked just about normal stuff and he left us to our drinking. Maybe I talked about Davy too much. I have to move on. Guys are head wreckers.

So Gerard is gone three months in five days. I often dream about him and his sisters he left behind. More often than not,we are in a pub having the craic like always. And when I wake up I feel so utterly fucked up that he is not around. I will never see him ever again. He cannot hear,eat,hope,breath,run,believe,hate,drink,love,feel,cry,joke or do anything. He is gone and I cannot ever accept it. I called to his father two weeks ago and he told me he was dreaming about his dead son when I knocked on the door and for a split second he thought it was him. We cried. I cannot fathom how Linda,my cousin and good friend,Gerard's sister, held his hand as he slumped,a tiny treacle of blood running down his white t-shirt, and talked to him for afew minutes,his father unable to understand ,silent behind the VW Golf unable to take in what had been put before him. I will never know what they go through every day,I will never be able to comprehend how and what they think.how he invades his father's dreams to the point where he wakes up screaming his son's name. I heard my Aunt one Monday morning,her shoes on the hardwood floor in Gerard's room, two steps, pause , another few steps , maybe to the window, sobs ,muffled sobs and then closes the door to face another day of torture. Ten minutes later after my Aunt goes to work, my uncle repeats the same steps and sighs. Heartbreaking for me to even experience being in that house.

My project is finished and bound,I must go hand it up and carry on with my thoughts...I think I've been through alot the past few months.There can only be brighter times ahead.