Last night was very intense. There was something in the air, something sinister. I could feel it.
So much drama. So much fucking spectacle.
Look at me I'm upset! Oh my god, you're freaking me out! Oh goodness, I can't express my own emotions!
I'm sick of living in a world where we can't only not show emotion, but we can't FEEL emotion either!
We can't accept any of it. We can say that maybe I have real feelings for you. And we discourage people from feeling anything at all!
I won't have any of it! I wont! I still love Nic! But he's too full of his own life to take a risk for something in California! And I'm too full of my own life to stand down or accept that!! I was stupid to think that he would atleast give us a chance. But as soon as I left, it was over. And I can't admit that.
I still love Natasha! She broke my heart into a million pieces because I was blind to the fact that she was an ignorant, unfeeling bitch! And she will never love anyone because she does not understand what it means to feel! And maybe I didn't love her, maybe she was a situation and not a person. I don't know, can you love someone who's not truly there.
I might love Marcella! I don't know! I feel like that's not where we are, but I'm scared that that's where it's going. But I'm more scared that it will never go there! I want to take a risk! I want to risk everything! I want to explore it and give up everything! But she's in love with someone else, and will never ever let me in. She thinks I like her as an idea and not as a person. But fuck, love is an idea! Love is an ideal, and time brings love of a person. You can't love someone for them until you've started with their ideal!
And that's what it comes down to. We're all so emotionally unavailable that nobody wins.