Edit: Updated my diary front page..

Who I Am

So it appears that many of you whom I converse with consider me slightly closed off or guarded.

This would be an accurate depiction of how I am, so you will get no argument from me.

With that said, however, I figure it is time to remedy some of that.

My name is Brian Michael (insert italian last name starting with 'M' here).

I was born June 13, 1978 (Gemini) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

My mother took my two brothers (one older and one younger) and I and moved when I was three.

She did so to get us away from my biological father who was an abusive alcoholic.

We moved to my mother's birthplace of New Orleans, Louisiana.

I remain in the Crescent City and I consider it my home.

While I am Catholic, I do not hold true to all of the tenets of the religion. I consider myself more spiritual than religious.

I did not have my first kiss until I was 18 years old.

I attended the University of New Orleans but was unable to earn my degree in Psychology.

In my junior year at the University I grew deathly ill and almost died. I had to drop out to recover from the emergency surgery and the aftermath.

I was able to keep my job at the time thanks to my coworkers (friends) but I did not return to school.

The company has since merged itself out of existance. Amazing how often big companies do that.

Right now I am on disability (government assistance) due to a condition called Blount's Disease.

Growing up my family never had much money which is putting things mildly. Thus I had no medical coverage and I attempted through various means to take care of my leg but nothing worked. Reluctantly I applied for disability and was summarily denied. Odd considering the doctor they sent me to was very favorable for me receiving it. Seems they deny everyone around here. Sad. It took a year for my appeal to be heard and I was approved in October of 2004.

The reason I was approved is because of the Blount's. My left leg is bowed and the constant tendon stretching and joint rubbing leaves me in pretty much constant pain. I am simply sitting at my computer right now and I am in a great deal of pain. A car ride of twenty minutes or more causes a good amount of pain and discomfort. Standing around and walking as well leave me feeling stiff and unable to bend my knee without crippling pain. I knew that my lifestyle had been so greatly diminished that I had to do something. Thus I applied for the disability. It was not something I wanted to do.. but I knew that I had to.

Luckily during the year and a half that it took for them to approve me for disability that my mother and younger brother were able to support me financially. Obviously I couldn't work during that time because you are stating you are disabled. It was tough. Very tough.

There are a great many things about me which set me apart from others, but I'm not really concerned with being different so much as being true to who I am and simply being myself. The qualities that set me apart are simply aspects of my personality and belief system. I suppose I will go into those now..

Love

My thoughts on love are rather simple.

Most people today simply have little idea what love is and often misuse the word. You may really like someone for whatever reason. Perhaps they make you feel beautiful or good inside, or that they are a wonderful person and have a lot to offer you, or even still maybe they fill the void of loneliness that is present in your life..

Whatever the case may be, love to me is a very selfless act and far too often those with self-interest at heart profess it. This cannot be. You simply cannot be a selfish person and discuss love for another because it goes against the very essence of the feeling. Then there is being or falling in love. This is even far more rare than loving someone truly. You do not fall in love with every person you date or are with. Falling in love is a deep emotional and intimate commitment to someone and only them. You go beyond simply loving them and being selfless to viewing yourselves as more than two people intertwined but as a couple that exists only together. You do not consider others or breaking apart because your love does not consider that possibility either. Being in love is uplifting and emotional and can break any shackles or restraints that life may place upon you.

Sex

I don't believe in casual sex. (And yes it is casual sex even if you really care about the person or they are an ex.)

Trust me, I'm as sexual a person as there is. Very much so. It simply is a part of who I am. I've got an incredibly high sex drive, and it is rare for me to find anyone who can come close to matching it. With that said, I believe sex should be making love. And you do not make love with someone you are not in love with. Notice I said in love with. Not someone you just love, but are in love with. If you are in a deeply committed relationship and in love with the person and you make love, more power to you. However, the act is sacred and it should not be simply done for pleasure or for recreation. There are a lot of other ways to go about pleasuring oneself without fucking around.

As for fooling around or being intimate with someone, again, I believe you should love that person and be in a committed relationship with them. That is expressing your love for them through physical desire and pleasure. It's a beautiful thing and feel free to get as wild and crazy as you want, but to do so outside the confines of love and a relationship to me speaks volumes about the way someone sees love.

Why do I feel this way?

It goes back to my whole belief that actions speak louder than words.

Over the years I have had a lot of people profess their love and affection for me or even simply that they respected me, yet time and time again they would routinely show me through their actions that they didn't feel that way at all. So when the time comes for me to marry my future wife, and I go to make love with her on our honeymoon, I want her to know how much she means to me.

I don't want to simply spin words, which I am quite good at doing, I want to show her through every conceivable way that she means the world to me.

How can I do this by making love to her if I have taken to my bed many other girls before? Especially if I didn't love these girls? How do I show my wife that she is different?

The best way is to treat the sacred act of making love as I do. With reverence and respect and thus that feeling is transferred on to those whom I choose to engage in lovemaking with. Should I meet you and make love to you given my past as you know it, it is a way that you can be fairly certain my words do not ring hollow. There is truth to them.

I back up my words with action.

Same holds true with fooling around. If you would mess around with just any girl or guy, then when you meet a special person and form a relationship with them and take it to that physically intimate level, how do you show them they mean more to you than some guy or girl you met at a bar or party?

Your words can paint a pretty image.

Yet it is your actions which define you.

Religion

I don't care what religion you hold true to.

If you're spiritual or not, then more power to you.

I happen to believe in God and Christ, but I won't ever force my own beliefs upon you.

Why would I? I'm comfortable in my own beliefs.

I think those that wish to convert you or preach to you do so out of a desire to have others back up their own opinion.

I have no problem discussing my faith with those who are curious, but to do so without invitation is wrong.

That person is obviously not ready to accept whichever faith you're professing if they did not actively seek you out.

If they had, it speaks to a desire for change.

So I'm happy living my life with my own beliefs, after all it is my life that I have control over, no one else's.

Also, I've taken heat from a lot of Christian friends over the years for my belief that you need not be 'saved' in order to go to heaven.

The loving God that I believe in would not turn away someone of pure heart who lived an exemplary life simply because for some reason they did not believe in Christ.

If you look at the 10 commandments and remove any religious tint to them and lived your life by those rules, you'd be a damn good person.

So, to me, good people will find salvation or at least have a chance to regardless of how much time they spent in worship.

Judgemental

I'm very judgemental.

I actually believe everyone is judgemental, but most people are less open about that fact.

The thing that I differ from many people is in what I judge people on.

I won't judge you based on your looks, your religion, your financial status, or your family, etc..

Those things, for the most part, are not aspects of your life that you have control over.

You cannot pick your family or in some ways choose your appearance.

Religion is a personal belief and finances often can be altered by forces outside of one's control.

However, one's actions are always available for judging. I firmly believe this.

The person that you are, the actions you take and decisions you make are what others have to formulate their thoughts of you.

If you are a mean person or a cheater or you like to take advantage of people.. these are all things that you will be judged on.

I don't see a problem with doing so.

Friends

I hold very few people close to me and I call very few people my friend.

The reason is simple. The majority of people out there are selfish. They don't care about you.

All they care about is what you do for them or how you make them feel.

Those people I am not interested in keeping close to me.. I believe true friends are difficult to find.

So when I come across someone who isn't completely egocentric and self-centered and is capable of complex thought and is of sound morals..

I grab onto that person and don't let go.

Dating

I think dating is bullshit, more or less.

People put on a happy face and portray themselves in the best possible light while doing things they normally do not do all for the sake of what?

Getting to know one another.

Well, that simply does not makes sense.

If you want to get to know someone start out as friends and leave the romantic inclinations to the side. If the person meets your standards, of which mine are incredibly high, and you feel a connection after getting to know each other simply as friends, then by all means pursue something more.

If you cannot exist as friends in the first place, how can you possibly hope to be anything more?

Odds & Ends

I cherish honesty and loyalty above all else.

Be my friend and I will walk to the ends of the Earth for you.

Betray my trust and you will know no greater enemy.

I am a writer. I am a dreamer. I am an optimist.

There is passion within me. It boils white hot with emotion and desire.

What it comes down to is that basically I know who I am as a person.

I know what I want out of life.

My time I consider to be incredibly valuable, and I don't often waste it on those I don't consider worth it.

People bore me often very quickly, and it stems from the fact that society as a whole dumbs people down.

Who wants to fit in? Conformity to me is completely unattractive, which is not to say be a rebel for the sake of exclusion, but rather simply be yourself.

I know I am an incredible guy who is funny, charming, intelligent, and sincere.

Throughout life I have so often made those around me stop and take notice.

Spend enough time with me and I know you will walk away thinking of me.

You will be wowed by the person I am in every single facet. I am an addiction.

The problem I have found is in finding someone who makes me feel the same way.

*This entry open to revision at any time.*

May you always find your smile.

P.S. I have gotten 94 notes on the Question Game entry, let's make it 100. :D

Oh and tomorrow night at the Clearview Palace at midnight I will be enjoying seeing Star Wars: Episode III with my closest friends and brothers.. does it get any better than this? :)