I am exhausted. Because I cannot sleep. Because I think about him. And not a "pining for him" kind of thinking, but just a general annoyance, frustration, wishing-I could-get-over-him-already kind of thinking. Time may heal everything but time is sooooooo slow!! I am such an end-gainer. I just want to be normal again, now. Instead, I toss and turn, yelling at him, slapping him, and trying to hurt him the way he's hurt me in my lucid dreams. I get hot, then I shiver, then I cry, then I stop and just lay still, staring into the dark for a bit. And the whole process begins again. My body has begun to ache from lack of sleep and also just the tossing and turning. I need to find a remedy for this, and soon. I only got about and hour and a half of sleep last night....
I still can't believe he came to Cru. I just remember checking my phone for the time, seeing Katie's text ("Would it bother you if he came to Cru?"), frantically texting ("YES!") and then looking up to see him there. I felt all of the blood rush from my face and I had to leave the room. Why doesn't that happen in classes? Because I expect him there and prepare for it. Cru is my sanctuary. I found an oasis away from the drama-mongers I'd been trying to affiliate with before. Granted, most people in Cru still don't really know me, but with patience, courage, and simply being myself I hope to eventually reach that point. Not to mention, God has been my steadfast rock throughout the entire journey. The weekend after he dumped me, I had drill and I was exhausted, but I went to church. I've been trying to pray so much more than ever. And remind myself that God loves me no matter what. God is beyond human fickleness. God would never dump me.
It calms me to go to Cru. I am learning the songs and I can feel my prayers come through the melodies. Then, each speaker seems to have a message that enforces the strength I feel from God. The power of knowing I can get through this.
It doesn't quite help that there are so many nice, respectable, and (frankly) cute boys at Cru, especially since I've sworn off men for Lent, possibly even longer than Lent... Certainly being around them is fun for my imagination, pretending that each is a Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly just waiting to treat me the way I deserve. I understand that's not real life, but it makes me feel better all the same, and it's definitely better than dating and then messing everything all up because I'm in no shape to be dating anyone.
In all, aside from my horrible sleep problems, I have high hopes. I know I reiterate what I've already said, but it just helps to remind myself of everything good in my life. Not everything has to be depressing and melacholy. I am alive, I am smart, I am (everyday) becoming more and more brave, and I am so very blessed.
And on that note, I hope to fall asleep right away tonight.