Wine wine wine.  Tipsy as fuck.  Just finished Fight Club, a movie that kicks ass, because where I really wanted to be was at Mad Planet with Zack.  He's probably there right now.  Fucked up and tearing up the floor, having a fucking great time without me.  Enjoying his absence of the "too happy" girl.

It's absolutely ridiculous that a boy I barely knew, whom I met a little over a month ago, can hurt me just as much as the boy I dated for almost 2 years.  But that statement, "You're too happy for me,"  has fucked me up more than anything else anyone has ever said to me.  It cuts immediately and deeply right to the core of my soul,  My entire being, every atom, is devoted to the happiness and enjoyment of my life.  And that's too much for someone.

Someone who obviously doesn't deserve me - that's what you're saying.  But to me, he did.  I really believed it.  He was worth it to me.

I have self-esteem issues that run deeper than I can see.  I want people to like me.  It matters more than it should.  It makes me feel like my existence is worth it.  That I have a purpose.  I freely and enthusiastically open myself to people because I think that the more honest I am about who I am, the more they will trust me and like me.

How fucked up is that?  It's like running out in front of a firing squad, unarmed and blowing bubbles.  Who the fuck does that?

I do.

And Zack had the Automatic.

that's all I have to say.  I need to go to bed.  good night.