Today was fun:)

I had Speech this morning, which was funny, like always. Haha. Ms. Jackson cracks me up.

 I realized that there's a cute boy in that class, also. Had to talk to him during an icebreaker toward the end of class. Freaked out inwardly a little. lol. But I think I did okay:) Just my luck, he's probably like, 19. I'm SO over younger boys. They're idiots, lol.

After class I came home and I walked 3.5 miles:) It was a spur-of-the-moment decision...it was warmer out than it has been lately, so I just took the opportunity. It's that time of the month, and I felt so bloated and gross I just couldn't take it anymore! I had to walk! lol, I could seriously feel myself gaining weight while sitting in class. lol. It was just insane, I had to do something! So I'm happy I did. Now, I just need to continue it. I've decided that if it's too cold to walk outside Thursday, I'll just go to Curves when I get out of class:) Curves isn't my favorite...personally I don't feel like I get enough of a workout, but it's better than being cooped up in my basement on a treadmill. lol. For some reason, I hate walking on the treadmill in my basement, but if I go to the gym, I can go to town on it! LOL. I don't know why that is. Weird. lol.

So after my walk I returned my Slim-Fast shakes to Meijer to get the right kind. I'd gotten Cappucino Delight instead of Creamy Milk Chocolate. lol. 

Decided to stop by Mantis on the way home cuz I saw Manda's car there. I don't see enough of her lately, and I miss her, so I stopped in. The stop-in ended up lasting 5 hours...lol. I hung out with her and Betty at the store. Dennis had gone home sick. I talked to him on my way in, when he was headed to his truck.

Talked and laughed w/ Manda and Betty. Good times:) Betty brought me soup. She's such a sweet woman. I love Amanda and Dennis together. I'm so glad they're getting married. Betty always says Amanda is the daughter she never had, and now she's going to finally have her as a daughter-in-law. I can't wait till the wedding:) It's going to be awesome, and Manda is going to be beautiful:)

I have no idea what I'm gonna say for my Maid of Honor toast yet. I have 3 months to figure it out, lol. I hope I don't get nervous and make an ass of myself..lol. I can't wait to see everything come together!

So anyway, after we left Mantis, we went to get Rio Wraps together, but we missed each other once we got into the parking lot, lol. I parked and didn't see her, so I called and she didn't answer. I even looked inside from my car and didn't see her. Called again. No answer. Finally see her walking out of the restaurant..lol. Apparently she had been inside the whole time..lol. Whatev. So we said goodbye, and I went in and got my Mom and I dinner.

Ate and watched American Idol. Funny stuff. There weren't that many hilarious auditions tonight, though. They actually had a lot of good singers in Nebraska! haha.

Now I'm sitting here playing around, when I should probably go to bed. But when do I ever do what I'm supposed to do? lol.

I've been thinking a lot today. Yuck. Like I said. Thinking while PMSing is not a wise choice. lol. But I can't help it...things just keep popping into my mind.

I want to know what it's like to like someone and actually have them like you back. I want to be a success story and lose weight. The same thoughts about the Matt situation that's not even a situation. I want to function normally around guys. I want to get out of the writer's block I'm in and write more.

Thoughts. Not always good.

Manda and I talked about the Matt thing. Right before Christmas I had been telling her that I'd decided to be over it and not even bother. Today I told her that even though I said that, and want that, it's not happening. lol. She said that maybe I just want to like someone. I never thought of it that way. Am I forcing myself to stay liking him because I want to like someone? Do I really like him, or do I just want a boyfriend and he seems like a good candidate?? I can't tell anymore. Usually I'm able to be very "yes or no" about guys when it's this early in the "crush" stage. Right now everything's all confused.

  I know that I like Matt as a person and as a friend. He's really nice, he's cute, he's hilarious... I've liked him in the past, too. Like, my whole junior year of high school. haha. So I know that there is something in me that likes him, and I know that he has some good qualities...but I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know how I can say that I have a crush on him when I barely even seen him these days. I mean...usually when you have a crush on someone it's someone you talk to a lot and see more than a little. Does that even make sense? How can I have a crush on someone I barely see? We don't see each other enough to know if I really do like him. But when I do see him, and we do talk, I feel all crushy-crushy...lol.

Like at my Dad's surprise party. He and his parents came, and it was a lot of fun. We talked some...once I got over my nervousness of course..lol. I did a lot of nervous rambling, but he still put up with me. Go figure. lol. We laughed, talked about my Math issues, about work and school...it was cool. I definitely feel something that I interpret as a crush when we hang out. Uggggh.  I DON'T KNOW.......

So here I sit, overthinking, over analyzing, overfeeling, over everything. Why, I don't know. It's like...my brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over because like I said, we barely talk lately, because he's so busy! But my heart is just being stupid, mushy, and indecisive. Being a hopeless romantic just doesn't pay, I swear. It's the worst thing ever unless you already have someone! Cuz if you don't you're just going to think about all the wonderful things that you could have, but don't have, and that just makes it 10 times more depressing, and on your mind 10 times harder. Sigh.

Whatever. Can I just think about school? About my girls? About work? About anything but the fact that I want something that I can't have???

Okay. Enough of that. It's making my head hurt. Wow, I feel so psycho and jumbled up right now. I think I just need to go to bed..lol. Besides, I can have whatever I want in my dreams:) haha.

Nite.

~*Jay*~

P.S. Bear with me, hopefully all this jumbled up boy crap will be over soon and I won't have to talk about it and rationalize it anymore!!! I'll be super relieved when that happens. lol.