|Lucidity & Acceptance|
Well, it's me again.
And after all this time, my mind has been put in a secure and safe little bubble. But now it's time to get real again, I have accepted a managing position, something I never did.
For someone who believes himself capable, this is my utmost wake up call. Being face to face with aggression again, I feel so weak. I have been working in prestigious but calm places with little trouble. Now here I am in a more dangerous place and I feel very ill-equipped.
4 days is all it took to prove my ineptitude and my cowardice. I am so easily frightened, I need to be face-to-face with reality again and do my best, give my all. I always think I'll hurt someone but I need to stop thinking about others. I need to be more aggressive and more self-assured but I just can't bear to make mistakes. I always do things like "I want to be sure, I want to be sure, I want to be sure" but I think so much I just make mistakes. I must stop focusing on mistakes and focusing on what I can do right and what I know of myself. All I know is that I hold back too much, I just fear to hurt someone and be rejected.
I want to be friends with everyone and be in an atmosphere of harmony with sweetness and no worries. Dammit! I'm going back to where I used to be years ago. Or maybe I just didn't really change at all and just had some bouts of manliness but I do know what I am: a fearful coward. I fear so much, I am so frightened by violence I try to avoid it at all costs. I am such a coward and such a gutless person in the end. I'm just no better than the ones I'm used to condemn. It's good that my boss is demanding and severe. I need to be in extreme scenarios so I can handle myself unaided. For good. And be more self-assured.