Rape. One individual takes away another individual's freedom.

I'm not just talking about the sexual act. I'm talking about Congress trying to pass bills removing a woman's right to her own body.

Since we're practicing absurdity, a few other bills should seriously be considered.

One) Anyone that has been divorced, ever, is not allowed to hold public office: you aren't upholding the sanctity of marriage and don't represent the perfection you're preaching about.

Two) Anything the military does in time of war, women can do for their own safety. Including this are attacks on an enemy she believes intends to harm her. She will be punished for it, but only if the enemy can prove the enemy had been a Saint until attacked.

Three) Declare your War on the Poor already. Since we already have a War on Terror and Drugs, we're fighting all three fronts simultaneously. This way we can put a name to our unseen killer. Or, you know, dissolve all three wars and simply declare a War for Stuff and cite The World as our target.

Four) All businesses are allowed to act like government, fiscally: anything the government does legally is allowed to be done legally by anyone. Insider trading, defaulting on loans, Super PACs. The dollar is now worth less than the paper it was printed on.

Five) Waterboard all media journalists and government officials twice a year. After all, it isn't torture, and you get a lot more honesty out of them.

Six) Outlaw hybrids and electric cars. We all know they look stupid and weak on the road. Also, the War for Stuff is underway and soon Humanity those stupid cars will be a thing of the past.

Seven) All science must be removed from schools. Simultaneously all science must be removed from everywhere. Cars. Phones. Medicine. Math. The Pacific Ocean. It's all the devil's work anyway.

Eight) Raising your kids will be a de-facto training course by the government. Any deviations from this method will lead to waterboarding and other forms of non-torture. Bamboo, perhaps.

Nine) Anyone dissenting, complaining, or whining about any war will be thrown into military duty, on the front line, and shot at by both sides. The Constitution is dead, and any terrorist willing to uphold the constitution should be, too.

Ten) Global Warming doesn't exist until no snow falls in the winter. Anywhere. Duh. Stop talking about it.

Eleven) Since corporations are considered people by the Supreme Court, they should be confirmed, baptized, and go to communion. The truly dedicated ones should be allowed to marry, but only corporations of the opposite sex. If they want to apply for unemployment, they cannot.

Twelve) Anything representing anyone else's intellectual property on the internet should be removed, if not given express permission by the owner. Anything. Trump just bought the rights to All The Words, Doritos bought the rights to embed images and movies, and Pepsi just bought the use of sound. Now, even a picture of your face isn't yours. Your name is the property of Aflac. Your voice is in violation of copyright law, and you will be sued if you speak on YouTube.

Thirteen) Build the border wall to keep immigrants out. Then build a wall around all major cities to keep terrorists out. Then build a wall along all state borders to cut down on drug trafficking. Then dissolve national government and elect royalty. Boom. Return to the good ol' days.

And we'd live in ign'ant harmony forever. Forever. Blah. Blah. Blah.