This was going to be part of a response to an Email Spencer sent me, but I suppose I didn’t feel like giving so much away at once and overwhelming him, so I decided to keep my personal discoveries to myself and my following for a little while. I also realize, by giving him the address to this diary, he may very well be reading it... in which case... Hi Spencer!
Now, reading over the poem after the mood has pretty much come to an end, I find it interesting. Not the type of thing I normally write... On another note, for extra credit after school today, we watched Good Will Hunting, and in a discussion afterwards, we reviewed Freud, or perhaps Eriksson a little bit, and reviewed the theory that one who is developing healthily should be able to, at a certain point in their life, handle an intimate relationship. Perhaps months ago, I would have just agreed with that one without much protest, but it just seems to lack it's element of simplicity and matter-of-fact-ness now.
I believe myself to be developing healthily, and I am, indeed, handling myself in a very intense intimate relationship. But I don't understand how this can be considered normal, and how everyone developing healthily should be expected to experience this. I don't understand how they can diagnose someone as abnormal by the fact that they aren't capable of that, because myself, having experienced no mental problems or abuse of any kind really, find it a great struggle. I Find the intensity nearly too much to take, because I know that I could ruin it. Maybe that's the topic of the poem. My fear. Fear that my being silent, and finally not wanting to share something, may ruin something.
ok, now hers the part I didn't write in the Email, that I am just writing now...
I think the intensity is really beginning to get to me. The fact that I ruined my last 2 relationships because I couldn't handle them, and this was under no real fault of my last 2 exes. People just fall in love with me, I suppose, but it’s really really hard for me to do that back. I've gotten over this problem, the problem that scared me most at first. The fear of ruining this with Kevin like I did my last 2, because something didn't feel right. It was something I worried about a lot at the beginning, but not really been an issue for months. Well... I'm not afraid of ruining anything. I'm just afraid of being disconnected. When I'm disconnected I can hurt him without hurting myself, but that's not really true, is it? I am hurt. I'm hurt that for a moment I even thought I could. I even felt like someone who's been so good to me deserved that. Maybe this is a wake up call. A wake up call that he means everything he says to me. That he really really loves me, and I'm damn lucky to have that. That I don't need to constantly be looking for little unimportant things he says that offend me just so I can fulfill some sort of indescribable pain I can't find any other way of expressing. The more I figure out, the more my problems hide from me. I got all the ones I could explain off my chest. he knows me. Better than anyone else. None the less I am still unfulfilled for reasons I'll never comprehend. That will never go away, so I wish I didn't have to do this. Frankly, I'm a little scared. I realized today just how important he is to me, and I never want to forget that! Maybe it took months for the things he said to sink in, but I feel like I can finally reach them. like I can finally believe them and feel something again, and the cruise control of my mind has finally switched itself off. I was close to hurting him. I was really close. I was forgiven this time. I was jolted back into my place before I had the chance to do any real damage, but I'm still so scared that it'll happen again, because I can't lose this! I love him far too much to lose this!
I don't know why I dwell on these small insignificant little things that happened, but I suppose I can put the pieces together far better than he can. I'll probably never be perfect, and I'd rather have it that way. I'm just so startled. Startled as to why I'd be so sadistic as to make something out of nothing. Take a moment where he needed comfort, and throw something in his face. Maybe that's completely exaggerated, but I'm still scared. Well... I think I'm over most of it, and once again I'll say that everything is fine. Our relationship is still going along very strongly, and a lot of this can be blamed on raging female hormones... I really don't knwo what to say about that.