The thing is, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who I want to be.

I got called to sub for tomorrow, and I had such a panic attack I had to say no. I like subbing but for some reason I'm not ready yet. I have another job set up for Friday, but the money would be nice to sub for two days this week.

I don't know what the problem is. I went to school to become a teacher, and now I don't want to be a teacher. Why? Because then I will be responsible for something. I will have to put forth effort. Some days I feel really enthusiastic. Like I can rule the world. Others, like today, I feel like I am nothing. I am no good. That my life is horrible because I am not doing enough to make it better.

I just don't know what to do.

It's almost 11 at night, and it's not like I can go for a walk, or head down to the lake. Both places are unsafe at this time at night. It's like I feel hopeless. This feeling comes and goes, but I don't want it to come at all.

I want to have a steady life. A regular job where I work regular hours. I don't want to say its depression but I don't know any other word to say the same thing. How did people deal with this in the olden days, before doctors shoved pills down your throat and told you to swallow.

I want some consistency, or at least some way to let out my frustrations in a healthy way.

If it was like 4 I would go for a walk. But it's too late for that now.

I just don't know what to do.