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i didnt do much today. i went to goth night last night, but my favorite dj wasnt there so the music sucked. i talked to some friends and a guy bought me a drink, he worked there. i dunno, it was ok. i wanted the sex, but i was dead tired and i turned out to be on the last day of my period, and i loathe sex on the period, so i didnt get any this weekend. goddammit. im gonna get some tuesday hopefully, but enough about that. so today i woke up late and chilled. i got cleaned up and took ben to drop off job applications, then went to visit thailen at his work. then ben took me and riley out to dinner for my birthday. then we came back to my place and watched movies. this is where the pain comes in, as it does in all my diary entries. first we watched what dreams may come. riley was pms ing and im just me so we both cried like babies. but i cry from my soul, it really tears me up to cry. riley looks very childlike and cherubish when she cries, its pretty, bless her heart. i cry like im being disembowled. i dont vocalize at all, i stay quite silent, but my eyes just pour, my nose gets red, and generally i get very intense feelings toward these things. i thought of my mother. i thought of me. i wanted to die, and i couldnt tell where all of it was coming from, it just flowed out of me until i felt like a husk. i wasnt born in love, my parents never loved eachother. i kept thinking of that bond these people in this family had and it hurt to know that ever time my mom was suicidal, or did drugs, or collapsed i was her chaperone into hell and i couldnt do anything about it. she was just like the wife, i would try to pull her out of this hell she had created but she just acted like i wasnt there or that i was a stranger, and turned away. my father never respected anything. my father is hardly human. and here i am alone on my birthday, crying ugly tears, feeling so hopelessly alone. i needed a hug. i never got one. i want my mother to appologise goddammit! i want my self respect back, i want my perception of life back, i just want to wake up in the morning and know something great is coming. but i cant guarantee that, so i look foreward to little things. i like trees and wind. i like driving my car and smoking. but these things, although very important to me, are hardly a life. so here are some lyrics, because i cant explain it very well: wash, by pearl jam oh please let it rain today this city's so filthy like my mind in ways and oh it was the time like a clean new taste smiling eyes before me and tears from my face wash my love wash my love wash my love i cant get the song out of my head. its so simple, but when eddie vedder begins to absolutely cry out and otherwise scream in anguish the words "wash my love" his meaning is undeniable. he cant bear it. its all so misplaced and wrong, the pieces dont fit. he has these love scraps that dont match up to the love he thought it was. he has these moments, an aftertaste. he needs absolute love, he needs to be sure that its all ok. he needs someone to tell him its all going to be ok, even if its not true. to love him enough to tell a pretty lie for the sake of helping him sleep at night. i want to wash my love too. i have been so stupid these past years, to think i could deal with all this pleasure spiked with pain. to think these scraps could measure up to some true love. ben loves me, i know, and i love him. but we are both decadent and scared creatures, we need worship before we can even begin to believe maybe someone would love us for real. why would i ever be dumb enough to believe in love again, who gave me a reason? there is no sense in this. i cant trust me, or him, or the thousand and one hers out there. i see myself through a tunnel, and i cant redeem myself in the eyes of those who might have loved me. i cant control any of this.
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