as hp lovecraft would put it, and as i do put it. i feel dead but dreaming, which implies some sort of hope- but i guess thats part of the dream. life is just so overwhelming. i have all this shit to do, and i think im procrastinating because im really scared, or maybe im just lazy. i dont wanna leave here, but i cant move with my mom two hours away. i cant live with my dad at all. it just isnt possible.  i dont think i can afford to live alone, i need to apply to college soon, i need to audition soon, i need to pay off my parking tickets and find time to sleep and comfort my friends and find something that makes me happy that i can actually do. i need at the same time to work harder at everything. i dont do drugs at all anymore, which seems good, but its only because i dont have time. sex makes me happy but i dont have time for that either. i just want to sleep, but even if i havent slept in three days i cna t sleep at night. im exhausted and i cant fucking shut my eyes and quit thinking.

     i feel ugly. im too scared to even exercise. all i want to do is smoke and read. i just gotta find my medium. im just alone. thats all there is to it. i jus turned seventeen and im stressing out about where im going to live in the next few months. 

    i just need one sure thing. i just want one solid tangible warm fuzzy dependable thing. i want to wake up in the morning after eight hours of sleep, and then i want to go someplace i actually like and i want to feel like im accomplishing something. i just feel like half the time im barely making it. im so scared all the time. i want to be beautiful and respected and i want compliments all the time, and i want selfish things like that. i want to not have to talk to myself. i want everything. and now im just rambling. there is nothing artculate about this entry. i should just try to sleep. i just feel so used up and spent, shriveled even. i need to dream and not for once wake up with tears in my eyes.