this entry isn't about forgiving ben. it's about forgiving myself. i graduate tomorow. i have waited since i got to this fucking house to be with ben again. turns out as much as i love him, more than myself even, it wasnt enough. he was the only thing i was looking foreward to getting out of here for. he cheated on me. we broke up yesterday. it's a kick in the neck when you plan your whole life around a person, to marry him, to have his children, continuing to love him long after the pain refuses to relent, and he can't look you in the eye and say you are not enough. i was two months late on a period. after the morning sickness came i knew i was pregnant. for a week i freaked out. naturally i was scared shitless . there was no way i could ask ben to be a father. there was no way my parents would suport me. then the next week i became completely relaxed. i got used to the idea that it would be hard, and i would not be having much fun for the next 20 years, but i was going to be a mother. that to me seemed a great blessing, and i just spent the week making plans for how i was going to get through all of it. well it turns out that i was just stressed beyond healthy bounds. i skipped the period and was late on the second one because of all the moving, and the grades, and worrying about losing my only love. only when i accepted the fact that this awful thing was not so bad, did i finally get my period, and the weight was lifted. i must admit, i was a little sad. i had really got used to the idea of having this child. so i gave up a whole year chasing this bastard through two relationships. he was kinder to me than anyone before him. he really is the male version of me. he still wants me there as his best friend, but i dont think he or i can handle that. but i will do it anyway, because i can't let the little bastard go, he truly is my best friend. and im sure i can push the love back where it come from. i will find somebody who loves me im sure. i am afterall the greatest woman alive:) it will just take some time to feel like my old self again. and there will be grief and anger, and i will hate myself, and i will chew it down till theres nothing left. honestly, i dont have a choice.