it's been a while...
things have been going good. Work is busy but good.
I've been seeing Evan a few times a week. I hung out with him Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Stayed at his place last night BUT we "talked" in the car this morning... which was followed by me bawling my eyes out to Dani. It wasn't a bad conversation per say. I guess I just feel like I've somehow gotten myself into another quasi relationship with someone who doesn't want a committment.... and I don't think he does right now... but here's the thing, I said maybe we should stop hanging out, because I really like him and I don't want to get hurt, and he said "no, that defeats the purpose" I asked the purpose of what and he pretty much said "I don't know, I can't put it into words". He's not dating anyone else, nor does he want to, and said he won't hurt me... funny cause I still feel a little hurt.
He wouldn't let me get out of his truck and just sat there staring at me. Then when I grabbed the handle he grabbed my arm and said "wait" and wrapped both his arms around me so tight and for so long and I just burried my head in his shoulder for a couple minutes. At that point I had to get out of the truck in a hurry because I could feel the tears welling up inside... as I walked inside he rolled down the window of the truck and told me to have a good day and that he'd talk to me later... I turned around, and I know I looked sad, then he just sat there for a minute after I went in the house.
I mean it's good we finally talked about stuff but I don't know where that leaves anything. I get the impression he just wants to take things super slow... which is okay, but I just don't want to continue hanging out with him all the time and getting my heart broken if in the end he decides he doesn't want a committment.
Somehow I feel like I'm just not a date-worthy person. It's really hard not to feel like a giant idiot. I told Evan I felt stupid and he got pretty upset. He doesn't get why I feel like that I guess. I tried to explain, that I keep getting myself in this situation then I get hurt, this is when he told me he will not hurt me... that he's not like those other guys... And to be honest, he's always treated me great, he makes time for me, and is super sweet.
Dani thinks I should ignore him for a while. She thinks he'll realize and start to miss me... I guess part of the reason I'm afraid to do that is because... well, what if he doesn't? I know then he's not worth it, but for some fucked up reason I've really fallen for this guy and I know he already has the power to break my heart. THIS SUCKS
So what do I do? I believe him when he says he's not seeing anyone else, he's with me all the time... and when we're out he's got his arm around me and pays attention to me...
so what do I do now??? I need some help