So I chopped all my hair off. Like, practically all of it. I did it out of stress which is usually what happens to my hair.
I don't really talk about this, but I absolutely hate the way I look with short hair. I hate it. Which brings up the subject of compliments. I HATE compliments. In fact, I hate any kind of faux-niceness. This is why I don't really buy cards for people, I don't really celebrate trivial holidays like Mother's Day or birthdays.
It's true. I don't celebrate my birthday, and any celebration I do have has nothing to do with other people. Other people celebrate me, and I a, grateful, but it's hardly necessary.
So, I was visiting my mother yesterday, and my aunt's boyfriend was there. He saw my hair and immediately launched into this speech about how I look so much better. Having hair this short is so much more appropriate for a boy. I just looked at him blankly. I really don't care if other people think I look good. Seriously, when I hear my friends getting comforted by my opinions, I wonder if they're stupid. I mean, here are people telling me I look great. I categorically disagree with them. What conclusions am I to draw from this?
I hate the way I look to the point where I've fallen into a mini-depression over it. A slough of people are telling me that I look great, lead by my mother, whose opinion, in my estimation, ranks somewhere between the populations of Zambia and Zimbabwe. Should I blindly believe them and say to myself, "Oh, you're just being silly! People are gratifying you and complimenting you for FINALLY behaving in a society-appropriate manner!" That's the thing I hate the most. In many ways, I feel like I sold out... and I wasn't ever consciously NOT selling-out...
Ugh, I just hate the way I look now.
The reason I did it is because I'm causing my mother marital distress. After nearly 10 years, my step-father still sees me as a threat. I overheard my mother and he arguing, at which point she said "You always pull the Justin Card." There's a "Justin Card" that can be pulled? It's very frustrating. After all this time, my step-father still thinks that I'll molest my little brothers. I cannot believe it. I have tried to behave and be respectful, something I never tried to do 10 years ago, or even 3 years ago... but it doesn't matter.
When will I finally learn the lesson that I keep repeating over and over? Pleasing other people is totally futile. I cannot believe I'm almost 29 and still battling for my step-father's approval. Are you kidding me? It was all-consuming at 15, but at 30 it should be OVER and done with. Well, just like the whole hair thing, they don't fucking matter... But the worst part is, my little brother is totally feeding my step-dad's paranoia. So I guess I really can't trust anyone. Hmm...