so lately i've been okay, but some things are kinda pulling me down. my grades are no where near good and there's nothing i can do about them. and sometimes i just feel like i dont care anyway and i think "i'll just wait until the second semester... i'll work harder and do better." chances are, i wont, cause that's what i thought in the first marking period, too. but it just got worse for the second one. my mom said she's worried about me not getting into a good college. that really made me think, but i dont know what i can do to improve. yeah, be smarter. i just dont have the absolute wanting to actually do all the work they give us. honestly, i'm lazy and i dont know how to change it. i kinda blame my friends that call me stupid constantly. even if they're kidding, it makes me think that i'm really stupid. i used to get good grades, but because of the people that would make fun of me for blonde moments, i started feeling that i had nothing to try for. it sounds crazy trying to explain it, but how it makes sense in my head... i dont know, that's just the way it is. no one believes in me, so i find myself not being able to believe in myself. none of my teachers show any faith in me either. all except one anyway. but does mrs b actually count? can i really rely on band for the rest of my life? shouldn't i have... a back up plan or anything? it's just that music is the only thing i'm truly good at. and i have the passion for it. i could care less about science, or math, or english, or goddammit, spanish. honestly, the extent of my spanish use is "tu madre". HONESTLY. but whatever. i'm out.