|arrested by expectations|
gosh. i haven't written in so long. i haven't really had any creative things to write about, i suppose. my italian's come and gone and i miss her terribly. life isn't the same without the sister she came to be to me. but i'm determined to make a Eurotrip this summer and visit. everything is just so much better there and i love it and i love them and i need to go back and my parents just don't understand why. they're stupid and don't understand me sometimes.
but anyways, i don't even know if there's anybody who reads this anymore, but i've been feeling the need to write about something lately, and last night i had the most vivid, crazy dream ever and i think it needs to be written about.
so i was at this place with a bunch of my old friends and some people from school and we were all dressed up and we were supposed to be on stage, but they wouldn't let me on stage because i had huge black circles around my eyes and my mouth that wouldn't come off and the rest of my face was completely white. I didn't understand why this was happening to me, but it was and i couldn't control it and neither could anybody else. But i was devastated that i wasn't allowed on stage with all of my friends, and then the doctor told me that i had to be killed that night because my disease was highly contagious and very harmful. The most prominent part of the dream that i remember after this is just sobbing and wanting him. I thought it was ironic that he was there, when it could have been anybody. but i couldn't find him, and i was just sobbing and sobbing because i didn't know what else to do. i had to die that night.
and then i made a deal with the doctor to be killed the next day instead of that night so that i could say goodbye to people and it was just so weird, because i specifically remember these details and what i wanted to say to each person and how i was just so mad at myself because i wasn't enjoying my last moments and i was just crying and crying. the sobbing was just so realistic and after i made the deal with the doctor, i was a ghost and i had to try and make people understand that i was a ghost in order for them to talk to me and the people that came up that i had to say goodbye to and tell them how much i love them was just so real and crazy. and once i woke up i just laid there and text messaged my once inseperable second half and then told my best friend all about my dream and it just had such a prominent effect and i realized that i really could die today. or tomorrow. and so could you.
i guess i feel like i should stop wanting to grow up and just live. i mean i'll be honest, i feel like i couldn't live anymore than i do. every moment or opportunity i have to take advantage of this beautiful life, i take it and i live it up each time, but i guess i hope whoever reads this does the same thing and appreciate those people that love you. and love everybody--even those people who don't appreciate or love you. because one day when they're thinking about it, they're going to realize that you loved them and they're going to really appreciate it.
well that's my thought of the moment. i don't know how often i'll be writing in here anymore, because noone probably even reads this. who knows..maybe i'll just make it a diary for solely myself now. i don't know. but i supppse that's everything. take care.