Well I had a lot of people from last entry write a note saying that I should launch a complaint against this doctor, and the reason that I didn't was becuase within 5 months of this incident happening, he retired and another provider took over, so there really wasn't much I could do there. I want to say too that I am not ignoring the issue. A reason I had for not getting the second biopsy besides the rude doctor was because I had mild dysplagia, basically a low-risk HPV. From research I have done and health care providers I have talked to, in most cases low risk HPV spontaneously resolves itself within 8-15months. I guess as many as 80% of sexually active women will have this happen at some point in their lives, and some will resolve fast enough that it'll be gone before the next PAP and they and the provider will never know it occured. Well my next PAP is in a month, I am sure I will not drop dead within the next 4 weeks, so I'm going to see what happened. If I still have mild dysplagia that is less than it was last year, I wont worry. If it hasnt budged or god forbid gotten worse then I will get another biopsy. I took a risk with not getting the more invasive one that the doc could only see about 95% of where it would be camped out, so theres a 5% chance that there was something higher up at the top of my cervix/bottom part of my uterus that wasnt seen. But at the same time....theres also a small risk that your cervix/uterus can be permanently damaged from the procedure. So there you go, the medical reasons I have for this.

So Matt moved to Harrisburg Saturday. It was a good trip. I left about 7hrs before he did and I drove the extra hr and 45min to Hanover, MD to visit my best friend, her hubby and the kids. Knowing that if I moved she would be that close made it a nicer thought. Harrisburg was nice, I noticed there was a lot in that area but as soon as I was thinking "this is where matt moved...this is where matt wants me to move" I started to hate everything about it. I became so irritable and ended up falling asleep for the night within 2 hrs of getting to his place. We got breakfast yesterday morning and then I helped him unpack a little more and then I left around 2pm to drive the 4hrs back home. I'm doing okay with him being gone, for now. He would go out on missions alot so distance isn't new, but I think after about a week or two it's going to start to make me sad. He always came home after 10-14days. I'm hoping he gets that job at Fort Drum so he can come back in a couple months.

I instituted some positive changes. I contacted an eating disorder specialist. She's an MD...but I'm not sure if she's a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Can't remember. So I dont think my ins will cover any of this, and it's $120/appt....so for now I may only go once every 3 weeks or so. I qualify for ins through work in about 8 weeks or so and I know that blue cross has mental benefits. So I can deal with that for now. I'm even going to try meds if she wants to try them. I'm sick of feeling like this and it's been so many years I don't even remember what normal feels like, but I know it's not this. I got so sad yesterday driving home thinking about the hobbies I used to have and the things I used to do and how happy they made me and I couldn't understand why I don't feel those feelings anymore. Everything feels like work or a chore and I just want to lay in bed. The last couple weeks since matt got his news I've been sleeping 8-11hrs a night, which is much more than my usual 6 or so. And I never feel like I have energy or drive. I don't feel ambition and I don't have fun. I'm such a grump and I dont ever feel lovey dovey with matt and I have no sex drive and I'm just becomming such a dull person. I'm willing to try anything that will help.

I've also started regulating my sleep and making sure I don't get sleep deprived or too much sleep. I talked to my doctor about my cysts and etc and that I stopped my yasmin b/c it's too much estrogen and he prescribed a lower estrogen script. I bought some healthier foods with nutrients and antioxidants in lieu of the garbage i've been eating
lately, and I started taking my multivitamins again with vitamin D, and I'm going to start exersicing on a regular basis again. Oh! we have omega 3 supplements at home, I'm going to take those too...there has been shown that they can help with mild depression. At this pint I'm willing and ready to try almost anything. Hmm what else. Oh! I've been making plans with friends and people and I'm going to try my hardest to keep them as I find I cancel as much as 3/4 of my plans b/c I don't feel like doing them when the time comes. I may be seeing my friend and her baby tonite, I'm watching intervention and playing mario with aaron tomorrow and I'm hanging out with my friend jen on saturday. I need to be around people and try to be all around in good health. Lastly I've been making a real effort at getting my things cleaned up and sorted through, I notice that being in a clean enviroment makes me feel better.

Phew that was a lot to write. I can update you all on how this works and how my first appt goes. Hope everyone is having a good week