|God Bless the Lawn Mower.|
Happy New Year! I can't believe it's 2011 already. It seems trite to say that 2010 flew by, but wow. It really did. I finished my first year of grad school, got fired for the first time, and found my dream boy...other than that, not tooooooo exciting. ;)
Last night was fantastic. A lot of fun, maybe a little emotional at parts but that's always to be expected when alcohol is involved. I got to Greg's around 7, looking sexy, and he was home alone doing a puzzle. I helped him with it for a while then eventually grabbed the box out of his hands and put it away and started kissing him. He was kind of like "Oh, right, I have a girl here" and nothing really happened. Then we headed over to Max and Andrew's apartment in West Chester and lots of people were there. We occupied ourselves with Dino Hunt on Wii before going out around 11, and rang in the new year at Landmark, then Doc's, then went back to the apartment for the rest of the night, and got absolutely no sleep because some kid was snoring the whole night.
There was a point where I got slightly pissed at Greg for bringing up his ex. I was French braiding Max's long hair when Greg felt the need to say something to him like "Hey you look like my ex when she used to braid her hair for softball!" Um, no. And then I scolded him for still having profile pictures with her in them...I'm such a girl...and he took me into his arms and assured me that he rarely changes anything on Facebook and that things are seriously long over with her. Okay, but they apparently still talk from time to time and she always ends up bringing up all his mistakes from their relationship that ended 5 years ago and he lets her because he feels guilty! I'd NEVER do that! Maybe it's dumb but like I said, I'm a silly girl sometimes and I feel easily threatened by the power of ex-girlfriends. Anyway, this is all beside the point and it was nice of him to be patient with me about it. I'd like to punch her in the face. (Which is ugly.) (Sorry.) (Not really.)
Anyway, he said I'm "nothing like her." Yeah, he better believe it. :)
Lately almost every new person we've met has asked us if we're together/if I'm his girlfriend, and we've been avoiding the question mostly. It's usually "Hi I'm Greg" ...pause as he doesn't introduce me... "So is this your girlfriend?" "Hi I'm Alyssa!" I got so sick of it last night that when a younger girl at the party asked me if I was "Greg's new girl" and he was standing right next to me, I just said "Yeah!" in a "Yeah, why not?!" kind of tone. After that he was a lot more affectionate toward me; I was surprised because I had been avoiding the question earlier thinking that he didn't want people to know about our complicated status. I don't want to be the only one saying we're together, you know? He kissed me long and hard at midnight. It took all my restraint not to blurt out "I love you"...it didn't feel 100% right. Someday.
After Landmark we went to another bar, Doc Macgrogan's, and it was a lot less crowded. We were all pretty drunk and dancing around. I did a pretty ridiculous solo version of the "Single Ladies" dance, pushing all guys out of my way, which everyone found hilarious. When he went up to get another round of drinks I started talking to his friend Andrew about us, knowing they had had a heart-to-heart recently (cute). Found out that distance is seriously, absolutely, positively the ONLY thing holding us back from being legitimately together in a Facebook-official, out-to-the-world relationship.
How much does that suck? It brings me back to the entry I wrote about feeling torn between my career dreams and my life dreams, knowing that any news I hear in the next few months could possibly determine whether I lose him or not. We have established that we'll always be friends, and that's great and all, but at this point I don't know how I can be just friends with him. What if I end up in North Carolina? What if I end up at Penn? I literally have no clue where I'll be in 9 months and it's scary from multiple standpoints.
It's not fair. I can't turn down a PhD program if I get in; I know I would regret it. However, I am 85% sure that if I get in anywhere, it'll be either UConn or UNC and that's it, and I think UNC has the better program.
Let's be honest - he does IT and he can do his job almost anywhere in the country. I, on the other hand, am extremely limited, chasing down a dream of teaching Italian at a university, which has no guarantees of being permanent location-wise even if I have a PhD. I'm not so arrogant to say that he should plan his life around my whereabouts, but wouldn't it be so nice if he were ever to say yes, Alyssa, I will follow you wherever you go, or I will commit to you and wait, occasionally travelling to see you, because I want to be with you wherever you are? Wouldn't it take 500 pounds off of my shoulders? Gahh.
I need to try not to be broken-hearted about all of it while I'm still here in no-man's-land awaiting 7 final decisions. I don't know anything yet. There's this almost soothing, hopeful fantasy I have about not getting in anywhere and just working in various museums for the rest of my life.
I think that would be okay.
Anyway, happy new year to everyone. I hope your 2011 is happy and healthy and full of love.